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Through the Metal Grills

Earlier today, we visited my father in the mental hospital. I thought I had prepared myself for what I might see but nothing could have prepared me for what was actually there. The image of him, in his current condition, is something I know will haunt me for a long time.

Photos and videos aren’t allowed due to the hospital’s privacy policy. Because of his fragile medical state, they wouldn’t let him out during visiting hours. Instead, they allowed us to step inside the ward for a brief look.

It felt like walking into a prison, metal grills lining the hallway as we made our way in. We weren’t allowed to go near him. We could only see him through those metal bars, his bed about twenty feet away from where we stood. He was lying there, arms and legs restrained for his safety and because of his behavior. His body looked so thin, so frail. So unlike the father I knew.

I asked a few questions to the nursing attendant assigned to him, trying to steady my voice. Then it was time to leave. We had traveled for hours to get there and waited for hours more in the waiting area. Yet when it was finally time to see him, it only took a minute or two. Not because anyone rushed us—but because I couldn’t bear to stand there any longer. My body started trembling. I felt the tears pushing against my eyes, threatening to spill. I was close to breaking.

As soon as the nurse finished speaking, I quickly walked out without looking back. And the moment I stepped outside the ward, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I cried. Tears streamed down my face. My body shook. My voice trembled. And in that moment, the weight of everything finally broke through.

I still can’t understand why this is happening to him. I can’t fully accept that this is our reality now, or how he ended up in this state. Just last year, I carried so much anger and resentment toward him. But when he got sick, I pushed those feelings aside, there was no space for them anymore. He needed care, and I needed to be strong. And now, seeing him like that, something inside me just shattered. I’m upset. I’m worried. I’m scared. I’m deeply sad. The truth is, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel anymore.

Seeing him there made me question everything. Did I really make the right decision by leaving him there? Did we run out of patience? Did we fail to understand him enough? Did we give up too soon for it to come to this?


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