my thoughts in bare

Life really has surprises.  Suddenly, the person who used to tell you your worthless, now can no longer recognize you and depends his daily life on you. Calls you different names "day, ne, mam", etc. Has difficulty to function on his own, uncontrolled emotions, sudden burst of anger, etc.  They say be patient, give a little compassion, take care of him, he's still your family, and so on. Behind these symptoms and bad behavior he's showing as part of his illness, I can't help but think this is just who he is. That until now, he's still giving the same emotional pain we endured for the longest time. And yes, he left us with no choice because it's just us he got to take care of him. Sometimes, I found myself thinking, what do I really want for him. Does it make me less as a daughter or a person if sometimes I'm not really sure if I want him to get better or not? Does it give me peace, if he can't recognize us? 😥

For the past couple of years, I harbored anger towards him for the way he treated us, especially mama. For the painful words he uttered most of the time, like we are worthless in his eyes despite of the efforts, sacrifices, for everything.. Anger turned to resentment. I learned to ignore him even if we are living in the same house. Coz maybe, that way I could give myself a little peace. I was full of anger, I let it consumed me that I almost forgot all his sacrifices for me to finish college and believed that I already paid off whatever dept of gratitude I have for him. Looking back, I know that we lack a lot of things while growing up, his earnings was not enough to provide the needs of 5 children, but I know he tried so hard just to be a good provider.  Then suddenly, no signs (or maybe we ignored the signs coz we were full of anger), it just happened. One day, he was restless, confused, disoriented, unable to function on his own and unable to recognize us. And here we are, takin...

In general, society expects you to act in a way what is acceptable to most of the people. No matter how hard you try to ignore the noise around you, sometimes it tends to find its way to affect how you think, you decide, you believe, and your overall values.  It's been a long time, it's like I'm fighting a battle of my own. I'm trying to fight between trying to stick with what's making me happy or just live a life where it's less complicated.  I'm in a phase where I'm trying to figure out what's best to do with my life. I really believe that I should not be living my life for the sake of other people. But, what if it means fighting for the rest of your life? All these dilemma that's running in my head for a while now leads me to think or do things I think is not right.  Recently, I've made a terrible mistake just because once again I'm on a battle of my own, that doing so this is more acceptable than what I am on. Because traditionally, i...