The Weight of Resentment

For the past couple of years, I harbored anger towards him for the way he treated us, especially mama. For the painful words he uttered most of the time, like we are worthless in his eyes despite of the efforts, sacrifices, for everything.. Anger turned to resentment. I learned to ignore him even if we are living in the same house. Coz maybe, that way I could give myself a little peace. I was full of anger, I let it consumed me that I almost forgot all his sacrifices for me to finish college and believed that I already paid off whatever dept of gratitude I have for him. Looking back, I know that we lack a lot of things while growing up, his earnings was not enough to provide the needs of 5 children, but I know he tried so hard just to be a good provider.

Then suddenly, no signs (or maybe we ignored the signs coz we were full of anger), it just happened. One day, he was restless, confused, disoriented, unable to function on his own and unable to recognize us. And here we are, taking care of him, leaving us with no choice. It felt so unreal and so unfair, thinking he did this to himself, all those years he chose to live with bitterness in life that he failed to notice the big difference the life we have now compared to what we had, he never felt happiness and contentment in life, everything is not enough, all of us are worthless. Those restless nights, might have a big factor why he's now suffering with dementia.

My emotions is nothing compared to how mama is feeling right now. How unfair she was treated for the longest time. So tell me, how will I deal with this? How can I tell mama,, that she needs to be patient because this is just part of his illness. How to tell her that, when she's been very very patient for a long time and has sacrificed a lot since we were kids. How do you take care of a person you've grew up hating. 😥

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lessons learned..

- not all we want is worth the risk - sometimes, we need to push ourselves too much to realize our limits - never let someone hurt you twice, if he had done it once, it's bound to happen again.. Once is enough to learn.. - giving someone a second chance is exposing yourself to be hurt again because no matter what he do to you you'll just accept him over and over again.. - it's not wrong to love yourself more - there's no such thing as give and take in a relationship, it's more on give, give and give..until your heart voluntarily quits. - it's true that a bastard is always a bastard! - reality is, it's not always like a fairytale. sometimes, it's just an illusion created for you to believe that there is a happy ending. - don't refuse to see the signs when it's already showing you that everything is going on the wrong direction - and most of all, somebody may leave you but true friends never will..

it's a girly thing!.. :D

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my thoughts in bare

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