Skip to main content

Between the Illness and Who He Was

Living with my father now feels like I’m constantly bracing myself for something I can’t control. His dementia and the way he gets agitated drains me in ways I didn’t even know were possible. It’s not just tiring, it’s consuming. Some days, it feels like I’m just surviving, moving through everything on edge, waiting for the next outburst, the next shift in his mood.

Every little change in his tone, his reactions makes my chest tighten. I overthink, I worry, I prepare myself for the worst even when nothing has happened yet. And people say, “don’t take it personally, it’s the disease talking.” I try to hold on to that, I really do. But it’s hard, because sometimes, it doesn’t feel like the disease at all.

It sounds like him. The same words, the same actions, things he used to do even before he got sick. And that’s the part that breaks me the most. Because I don’t know anymore where the illness ends and who he used to be begins.

And honestly… that’s what makes it so exhausting.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

lessons learned..

- not all we want is worth the risk - sometimes, we need to push ourselves too much to realize our limits - never let someone hurt you twice, if he had done it once, it's bound to happen again.. Once is enough to learn.. - giving someone a second chance is exposing yourself to be hurt again because no matter what he do to you you'll just accept him over and over again.. - it's not wrong to love yourself more - there's no such thing as give and take in a relationship, it's more on give, give and give..until your heart voluntarily quits. - it's true that a bastard is always a bastard! - reality is, it's not always like a fairytale. sometimes, it's just an illusion created for you to believe that there is a happy ending. - don't refuse to see the signs when it's already showing you that everything is going on the wrong direction - and most of all, somebody may leave you but true friends never will..
Post a Comment
Read more

a friend ...

They say that misunderstandings between you and your friends strengthen the friendship. This way, you’ll both realize your mistakes and differences, and will understand each other much better than before. When we experience misunderstandings or quarrel among our friends, we think that it’s just right that the person who made the mistake should be the one who’ll apologize and make a move to reunite the friendship. That’s how we think. Pride hinders us to apologize to someone we had hurt. Sometimes we want to apologize but we don’t know how to approach them and we’re too afraid that they might just ignore us. What we don’t know is if someone really values you as a friend, we don’t know need any explanation and even a single a word is useless. Just a simple smile and hug from a friend is enough to ease all the anger and restore the friendship. This is what I learned from these past few days. Yes, it is true that the one who made the mistake should be the one who’ll apologize, but sometime...
Post a Comment
Read more

if only..

I remember, someone asked me this, "if given a chance, what superpower do you want to have?".. back then, I answered I wish I had the power to teleport into different places in an instant, so that I would have the opportunity to travel into places I've never been anytime I want and without expenses needed. But now, I realize that's not what I want anymore. Now I wish I had the power to manipulate things that happened or could happen. If only I could turn back time and change things to make it better, I would. If only, I could foresee the future so that I would know if something bad will happen.. so that I can change it or avoid it beforehand. But this is impossible.. this is the reality, what's done is done. We can never bring back the past no matter how we want it badly. That there are some things in our life that's beyond our control. Anyway, the important thing is now. Now is the time to learn from the past and make better things. Yes, it's easy to ...
Post a Comment
Read more