my thoughts in bare

Some of us aren't lucky enough to have a glorious childhood or teenage days. Some of us have to dealt with terrible loneliness, crying their selves to sleep, sitting alone in the park, constant yelling at home, much worst seeing their parents hurt each other both verbally/emotionally and physically. As I grow up, my sense of insecurity also grew up rapidly whenever I saw some kid having bonding moment with their families or having a good laugh over something or just petty things. Asking myself every time, will it get better? But I know, things won't change in a snap of your finger or a tick of a magic wand just like in some fairy tales we've watched when we were a kid. I grew up believing, happiness will come to me if I work hard for myself, for them to provide whatever they need. Maybe, just maybe things will change.  Physical wounds heals easy, but emotional pains stays within you. It is forcefully stored inside, keeping it from others to see, it will either make you or b

When I was in highschool, probably on my 2nd year, I remember our teacher made us do a journal, that we need to design with whatever we want to before putting something to write. I used a plain notepad I bought in national bookstore and designed it with dried rose petals on each page as a border. It was so cute that it looked like an old diary. By the way, I can't recall where did I got those rose petals or to whom are those because I'm sure it's not mine. I remember putting those in between the pages of my book weeks before that so it could dry the way I want it.  Anyway, the first task our teacher told us to do was to write something how do we see ourselves 10 years from now (that time). I was so young, and thought that life awaits for me is just that simple. I remember writing about me working as a typical office girl, with nothing on my mind or no idea at all what kind of job I would be working. By the age of 25, I remember writing that I see myself having my own family

For the independent ones, who doesn't let their family know their worries because they don't like them to be worried about anything. For the breadwinners, who many times have nothing left on their pockets but still have to find way just to provide. For the strong ones, who choose to stand still because they know they don't have anyone as back-up but themselves. For those who choose to go on, because they know giving up is not option, because what will happen to everyone they care if it's just them who holds it together. For those who sets aside their happiness because there is more important than that. This is for YOU. Though many times, things happens not as much what you want or planned for, one day, time will come, everything will take its place accordingly. One day, you will no longer worry for tomorrow. One day, you no longer stare at your monthly expenses or your monthly bills, thinking where you will get it. One day, you will no longer feel guilty whenever you b

I saw a girl walked out from the house, she walked fast as she could, head and shoulder down so no one would notice the tears in her eyes. She don't know where else to go so she went to the church couple of blocks away.. hoping it was still open but was already closed upon arriving there, even the small chapel beside it. She went directly to the playground across the street and sat quietly on a swing in a cold dark night as the tears falls down. Thinking will it ever get better?.. Some girl came and asked if she was okay, and she softly answered "yeah, I'm okay".  Years passed, same question runs through her mind. Does it ever get better?  

Have you ever felt so tired of everything that's happening around you? Because that's how I'm feeling lately.. at work, home, everything.. Have you ever felt like you're on the verge of crying any time or any moment? Because that's exactly me lately.. found myself crying at any time of the day.  At work, I no longer push myself to do the things I used to do passionately. I'm tired.. Recently, I feel like I can't do it anymore.. like I am not capable of doing things.. like I am just doing what's being told and not beyond that anymore. I have lots of delays in all my tasks. I'm not sure anymore if it's because of my tasks are too overwhelming and can't do it within my bandwidth, or I am just tired, or I am just too lazy.  At home, which I'm not sure if I can call it "home".. I'm too tired and lazy to clean my room. I feel like I wanna go somewhere else, away from home, away from them. I wanted to escape away from here. 🥺

"Utang na Loob" or "Debt of Gratitude", a Filipino cultural trait that sometimes becoming irrational and burden emotionally. Don't get me wrong.. Yes, I will be forever grateful to my father to whatever I am now.. I owe to him why I graduated from college. Yes, I intend to take care of them and provide their needs especially when they grow old, I intend to do it all with all my heart because I love them, but not because of an endless obligation or unlimited debt that I have to repay. I may sound ingrate about this.. but isn't it everything a parent have provided for their children no matter how hard it takes, is just they supposed to provide as a parent? Because if not, they should not have children in the first place. And isn't it irrational for a parent to demand from his children to repay for everything they have provided? Parents chooses to have children, which tied with an obligation since children especially the young ones does not have the capa

Being the breadwinner of the family is not a choice. It just happens. Taking over the responsibility since I graduated from college has never been easy for me. My parents and siblings would always come to me to clear all the utility bills and all other expenses of the family. Deep down inside of me, I have this feeling of satisfaction that slowly I'm bringing out my family out of financial crisis that we were facing since we were young, that finally we were able to experience the little luxuries of life, that we are no longer to worry of not having a food on the table. However, over the years it didn't occured to me the weight of being the sole provider of the family until my other siblings had their own family one by one unexpectedly and as I watched my parents grow old and still taking care of their grandchildrens. I am the middle child of the family. I'm not supposed to shoulder all the weight of responsibilities and burdens alone. If only they have been wiser living