10 Days Without You

It's been 10 days since you left, and I still can't believe you're gone. Every time I go downstairs in the middle of the night, my eyes still search for you, just like they always did when I was working the night shift. For a split second, my mind still expects to see you there. But now, all I see is Mama sleeping alone on the same bed where you took your last breath.

What confuses me the most is that I still haven't cried the way I thought I would. Even on the day of your interment, the tears never really came. While everyone around me was grieving so openly, I felt like I was just moving through the motions—doing what needed to be done, making arrangements, taking care of things.

And now that everything has quieted down, I find myself wondering if there's something wrong with me. Does the absence of tears mean I loved you less? Did I not care enough?

Deep down, I know that's not true. Maybe I'm still in shock. Maybe my heart is carrying more than it knows how to release. All I know is that your absence is everywhere. In the empty space you left behind. In the silence downstairs. In seeing Mama alone. In all the little moments when I instinctively look for you, only to remember that you're no longer here.

I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm still trying to understand a world that no longer has you in it.

Comments

lessons learned..

- not all we want is worth the risk - sometimes, we need to push ourselves too much to realize our limits - never let someone hurt you twice, if he had done it once, it's bound to happen again.. Once is enough to learn.. - giving someone a second chance is exposing yourself to be hurt again because no matter what he do to you you'll just accept him over and over again.. - it's not wrong to love yourself more - there's no such thing as give and take in a relationship, it's more on give, give and give..until your heart voluntarily quits. - it's true that a bastard is always a bastard! - reality is, it's not always like a fairytale. sometimes, it's just an illusion created for you to believe that there is a happy ending. - don't refuse to see the signs when it's already showing you that everything is going on the wrong direction - and most of all, somebody may leave you but true friends never will..

a friend ...

They say that misunderstandings between you and your friends strengthen the friendship. This way, you’ll both realize your mistakes and differences, and will understand each other much better than before. When we experience misunderstandings or quarrel among our friends, we think that it’s just right that the person who made the mistake should be the one who’ll apologize and make a move to reunite the friendship. That’s how we think. Pride hinders us to apologize to someone we had hurt. Sometimes we want to apologize but we don’t know how to approach them and we’re too afraid that they might just ignore us. What we don’t know is if someone really values you as a friend, we don’t know need any explanation and even a single a word is useless. Just a simple smile and hug from a friend is enough to ease all the anger and restore the friendship. This is what I learned from these past few days. Yes, it is true that the one who made the mistake should be the one who’ll apologize, but sometime...

we're not the lucky ones .. :)

Eat Bulaga ! It is the longest running noon time show here in the Philippines. One of the highlights of the show is the “Juan for All, All for Juan” game. It signifies unity among the Filipinos. The hosts will go to a certain barangay everyday, they will pick a winner from the entry box which contains registration forms from the residents. The lucky winner will be given some foods, products and appliances courtesy of the sponsors, and of course a big amount of money. After that, they had also like “bring me” sort of game, they will lay out numbers from 1-150, and all who wished to join the game should bring 10 plastic bottles and a specific thing that the host will ask them. The hosts will pick up a random number, the chosen number will then receive prizes. After each month, the hosts will choose 3 barangays who will win a prize as the most organized, cleanest, and well-disciplined community. The plastic bottles collected from the residents of the barangay were use to be recycle in ...

my thoughts in bare

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