my thoughts in bare

Life really has surprises.  Suddenly, the person who used to tell you your worthless, now can no longer recognize you and depends his daily life on you. Calls you different names "day, ne, mam", etc. Has difficulty to function on his own, uncontrolled emotions, sudden burst of anger, etc.  They say be patient, give a little compassion, take care of him, he's still your family, and so on. Behind these symptoms and bad behavior he's showing as part of his illness, I can't help but think this is just who he is. That until now, he's still giving the same emotional pain we endured for the longest time. And yes, he left us with no choice because it's just us he got to take care of him. Sometimes, I found myself thinking, what do I really want for him. Does it make me less as a daughter or a person if sometimes I'm not really sure if I want him to get better or not? Does it give me peace, if he can't recognize us? 😥

"Utang na Loob" or "Debt of Gratitude", a Filipino cultural trait that sometimes becoming irrational and burden emotionally. Don't get me wrong.. Yes, I will be forever grateful to my father to whatever I am now.. I owe to him why I graduated from college. Yes, I intend to take care of them and provide their needs especially when they grow old, I intend to do it all with all my heart because I love them, but not because of an endless obligation or unlimited debt that I have to repay. I may sound ingrate about this.. but isn't it everything a parent have provided for their children no matter how hard it takes, is just they supposed to provide as a parent? Because if not, they should not have children in the first place. And isn't it irrational for a parent to demand from his children to repay for everything they have provided? Parents chooses to have children, which tied with an obligation since children especially the young ones does not have the capa...

"The healthiest homes aren't the ones without problems, the healthiest families are the ones that love each other in the midst of their problems" I never wished for a perfect family, I never said that I am not grateful for the family I have. They are my strength and my weakness at the same time. I just wished that in the midst of our problems, we could still stay positive and strong enough to handle things, instead of non-stop complaining and blaming each other. It's no fun of feeling envy or jealous because it makes me feel inadequate and acknowledge what's missing in my life. I can't help not to feel jealous to those people who have a kind of family of somehow close to being perfect. They do have problems too, but they're still able to talk about things and try to fix whatever they are going through. Lack of money was never been a big deal to them, instead they hold on and try to keep the family tight because it's the only thing they have. They...

These children makes my day free from all my worries, stress, pains and heartaches. I can almost forget whatever situation I’m into just being with them, my so-called stress-reliever. :) Tita loves you all so much!.. Promise I’ll always be here for you all. :)

I can’t find any nicer photo than this. It was the only photo we had together with my papa. This picture only proves how allergic and shy-type he is when it comes to picture-taking. He doesn’t even wanna look towards the camera or even give a little smile. Pretending as if no one is taking a picture while both me and my sister we're all smile. 

My father is a very serious person. He seldom laugh, it’s like laughing cost too much for him. There are times when all of us are laughing too loud and almost having stomach ache for laughing while watching some comedy movie or TV show, then there he is just sitting quietly at the side with no expression on his face even a slight. That’s why whenever we saw him laugh or even smile, that’s really SOMETHING to us!.. :D because it’s very unusual. It’s a great feeling seeing him like that. It makes me really happy. I know my other siblings would say that too. I remember just the other day I caught him laughing because of my nieces and nephew. Chezka (my older brother’s 2 year old daughter) was trying to fit herself beside my mom who’s already carrying JM (my brother’s 6 month old son), then there at the other side was Ashley (my sister’s 5 year old daughter) who’s having a little tantrum because of jealousy with her younger cousins. Imagine the three of them wanting my mom’s atte...

It breaks my heart as I saw her crying silently after she spoke with my sister over the phone. I don’t know how will I console her, I’m not good at it. I wish my goodnight kiss to her helps her even in a slight way. My sister works as a field researcher/interviewer that’s why most of the time she was away from home. Her daughter Ashley was always left at home with my mother. She was such an emotional child, she easily cries about little things even from watching teleseryes or just because of her crazy imaginations. We made fun of her because of that by calling her as “ drama queen”. But seeing her crying silently a while ago is not funny. She misses her mom so much and she’s not used to sleep at night with no one beside her.

Life is short. We'll never know until when are we going to live in this world. This is something beyond our control. No matter how badly we want to live more if it's really the end, then it's really the end.. Last August 26, 2012 at around 2am. Auntie Caring's life has come to end. She passed away due to her breast cancer as I mentioned to my previous post. I've seen her struggle to fight for her life since the time she was diagnosed last 2010 and up until to her last few days. I was there during her last few hours. It pains me to think that up until her last days she keeps on saying that she still want to live.  We'll surely miss her. I knew her since my childhood. She lives nearby our home before. She was there for us during the most time of our lives. She was there for me during those times when I am totally depressed regarding family matters, she listened to me when I cried that time. I'll miss those times when I'm just there ...

“Mercy killing is defined as the killing of one person by another. The victim of mercy killing is normally in the vegetable state or has an injury or illness that cannot be cured, as it is usually in its last stage. The victim experiences immensely painful last days just before his or her death. For a voluntary case of mercy killing to take place, the killer must first obtain the consent of the victim, but there have been recorded cases of mercy killing against the wishes of the victim as well. This is known as involuntary mercy killing. Mercy killing is known as  euthanasia . The victim of a mercy killing dies a painless death after suffering an incurable ailment or serious injury. The term euthanasia, which means mercy killing, is derived from the Greek word for 'good death'. Euthanasia has been legalised in some Western countries but is still considered to be an unethical practice in the Third World.” http://www.blurtit.com/q495504.html My auntie, the youngest ...

I'm such a coward person. I'm sorry mama, if I have to spend my weekend in a friend's house. I just can't stand to see you cry every hour of the day. I can't face you and look straight to your eyes because I am afraid you'll see how much I am hurting inside too. I'm sorry because I can't do anything to ease the pain in your heart. If only a hug could cure it, I would hug you so tight. I'm sorry because I can't even show you my sympathy because I'm afraid you'll see me burst in tears just like you did. I'm sorry for all the pain they caused you, from kuya , then ate .. and now Gary. I can't blame you, it's like bringing all the pain from the past which you tried to forget for the past years. Like you said, it's like you've been betrayed for three times by your children with the same reasons. I know how frustrated you are and papa for what they did in their life, when all you wanted is for us to finish our studies and h...