my thoughts in bare

I hesitated before posting this. But sometimes you really just need to let things out—to rant a little, to breathe—so you can keep going. I guess this is my way of coping. The past few months, since October, have been spent going back and forth between clinics, hospitals, and diagnostic centers, searching for answers. Until now, we still don’t fully understand what’s happening to him. The doctors say it’s a rare condition. At first, they thought it was Dementia, then turned out it was not, then it was due to stroke but then it was not. Then multple possibilities keeps coming in and yet to be confirmed, might be a stroke, brain infection, brain parasite, or undefined disease.  Living in this kind of uncertainty has been a constant rollercoaster of mixed emotions—fear, exhaustion, hope, frustration, all tangled together. I’m not a perfect daughter. We’ve had many differences, and our father-and-daughter relationship has been toxic for as long as I can remember. Still, I stayed. Throu...

Some of us aren't lucky enough to have a glorious childhood or teenage days. Some of us have to dealt with terrible loneliness, crying their selves to sleep, sitting alone in the park, constant yelling at home, much worst seeing their parents hurt each other both verbally/emotionally and physically. As I grow up, my sense of insecurity also grew up rapidly whenever I saw some kid having bonding moment with their families or having a good laugh over something or just petty things. Asking myself every time, will it get better? But I know, things won't change in a snap of your finger or a tick of a magic wand just like in some fairy tales we've watched when we were a kid. I grew up believing, happiness will come to me if I work hard for myself, for them to provide whatever they need. Maybe, just maybe things will change.  Physical wounds heals easy, but emotional pains stays within you. It is forcefully stored inside, keeping it from others to see, it will either make you or b...

Have you ever felt so tired of everything that's happening around you? Because that's how I'm feeling lately.. at work, home, everything.. Have you ever felt like you're on the verge of crying any time or any moment? Because that's exactly me lately.. found myself crying at any time of the day.  At work, I no longer push myself to do the things I used to do passionately. I'm tired.. Recently, I feel like I can't do it anymore.. like I am not capable of doing things.. like I am just doing what's being told and not beyond that anymore. I have lots of delays in all my tasks. I'm not sure anymore if it's because of my tasks are too overwhelming and can't do it within my bandwidth, or I am just tired, or I am just too lazy.  At home, which I'm not sure if I can call it "home".. I'm too tired and lazy to clean my room. I feel like I wanna go somewhere else, away from home, away from them. I wanted to escape away from here. 🥺

"Utang na Loob" or "Debt of Gratitude", a Filipino cultural trait that sometimes becoming irrational and burden emotionally. Don't get me wrong.. Yes, I will be forever grateful to my father to whatever I am now.. I owe to him why I graduated from college. Yes, I intend to take care of them and provide their needs especially when they grow old, I intend to do it all with all my heart because I love them, but not because of an endless obligation or unlimited debt that I have to repay. I may sound ingrate about this.. but isn't it everything a parent have provided for their children no matter how hard it takes, is just they supposed to provide as a parent? Because if not, they should not have children in the first place. And isn't it irrational for a parent to demand from his children to repay for everything they have provided? Parents chooses to have children, which tied with an obligation since children especially the young ones does not have the capa...

Sometimes, it makes me think how uncomfortable and complicated it is to live in a society we are in today. No matter how we wanted to ignore the people around us, we can't deny the fact that the society we are living in keeps pushing the values and ideals onto us, what is acceptable and what is not. Though, it really up to us on how to live our life, it really affects us how we behave and live, it can even hold us back on what we want. We are all victims of our own mind. We can be our best advocates or our worst enemy. If only we can make it pretty simple, just do whatever we want without having a thought of anything or anyone in mind. I, myself is guilty of this. I usually overthink about everything. I have this unknown fear that keeps linger on me. Everyday, I am trying to live my life the way I wanted it to be and what makes me happy.

Most of the time, I preferred being alone in my room just to read a book or write something. There are times that I hate hearing any noise and don't want anybody enter my room. This doesn't mean I am loner, I do go out with friends and I don't have a problem mingling with other people. I just love having myself quiet time, it is where I find peace and calmness in my heart.  I hate the feeling that I have to please other people. I want to do what I want to do, I want to behave how I want to behave and just be myself without having to think if it's okay with them. If it's not okay with them or if they get mad, I don't care.  I like being comfortable in everything I wear either going out or just at home. I don't like wearing something catchy because it makes me feel conscious about myself. Yes, I do have girly part of me too... I wear dress and polish my nails sometimes but most of time I preferred wearing jeans/shorts paired with a simple shirt.  ...

Traveling Alone. For the past few months, I've been really really excited about this. I actually made up my plans where to, when and what to do. Suddenly, I am no longer interested and doing it alone. I still want to travel somewhere, but I wanna do it with someone. Renting a small place with my sister. We've talked about this, thinking it's much better for both of us. Lately, she no longer talk about it. She's been busy and happy with her friends at work and especially with his boyfriend. I didn't insist the idea with her anymore, and even if in case she'll open it up again, I don't think I would go for it. I am happy and contented with where I am today. Celebrating my Birthday From the time I got work, I used to celebrate my birthday with friends and family. Going out with friends, mini party at home.. that was me. This time, I want it to celebrate in a different way. I'm still not sure what to do but surely not a party anymore. ...

Sometimes, my mind is such a mess when I'm trying to get a sleep at night. I do a lot of thinking of different things which leads me to overthinking.. These are things my mind usually thinks of.. I play scenes in my head which I don't know if it's possible to happen. I ask myself a lot of questions.  I think about all my endless "what ifs" I think about all the people I love and loved.  I think about all the people I miss. I think about all the people I hate and miss at the same time.  I think about my plans for the next day. I think about my dreams, where I am today, or am I closer to it as of now? I think of all the things I want to do alone for a change, but having a second thought if I can really do it. 

If only I could do it in just snap or just after reading any article about letting go of resentment, then I'll be very, very happy.. really! No one wants to be a slave of any negative feelings towards other. Our emotions is something beyond our control. We can't force ourselves into something we're not ready yet or shall I say into something our hearts doesn't want to. No matter what other people say or how much we knew how to, we'll never be able to overcome it until ourselves do it willingly on it's own. As the old saying goes, " time heals all wounds." So I guess, I'd rely on that.. I don't know if what I'm doing is right but all I know is, this is what I need right now. I just know that I need to distance myself, so I won't be stressing myself everytime we meet, so I don't need to pretend like nothing is wrong.. I'm so done in pretending.. I need some peace of mind for a while.. though, I don't know how long would i...

Janet Hardy was a Hollywood legend - glamorous, brilliant and deeply troubled - and she died in mysterious circumstances at her home, Little Farm. As her granddaughter Cilla McGowan moves into the rundown farmhouse, determined to restore it to its former glory, she finds herself dreaming of the grandmother she never really knew and wondering exactly what happened in her past. As Cilla grows ever closer to her neighbour Ford Sawyer, she slowly begins to unravel her family secrets. But someone else in the community wants Cilla to leave the past alone, and she becomes the targets of increasingly brutal acts. Together with Sawyer, she must find out who is threatening her - and what they're trying so hard to protect... Yes, I am currently in a state of book hang over! ugh! That's the problem I have to face everytime I finished reading a book. So I figured, I should let this out of my head than staying up all night, staring at the ceiling, wondering what could've have happ...

I've never tried traveling alone. When I was young the thought of traveling alone makes me scared, thinking if it's safe to be in an unfamiliar place and be with unfamiliar people especially if you're a girl. Nowadays, numbers of women traveling alone are growing fast. This means women today are more confident to go out from their comfort zone. Going solo in a place you've never been to is a perfect confidence booster, the fact that you have no one to rely on to but yourself. It's best way to have your ME time, a time to think, reflect and discover yourself. So with that, I'd like to try, I guess I'll start here in our local places and of course budget-friendly for me to materialize my plans. I'm planning to do it on my birthday, something opposite to the way I celebrated my birthdays before. Few months to go and I'm crossing my finger on it.. :)

To my ex-friend, We've been friends since college. There was never a dull moment with you, you were fun to be with. We understand each other so well even before we speak our mind. You were there when I had my major heartbreak back then. You didn't offer any advice instead you let me enjoy and have fun even for a while, we went to movie dates together, we even went to amusement park and enjoy the whole day just like kids do.  You were always there to calm me down every time I cried because of some family matters, you know how it feels because you're also a breadwinner like me. We were that close, even before we started hanging out again with our other barkadas from college. You got your own house to the same subdivision where I got mine, making our families connected like us. We started hanging out more often when you started dating that guy. It's your way of balancing your time to all of us. Eventually, we became friends with your boyfriend. We had a lot of bonding ...

"What" and "if" are non-threatening words just like any words, but when use as "what if" then it would have the power to haunt your mind.. more or less your LIFE. You'll start thinking about those "what if's" over and over again, despite knowing that at the present time it wouldn't do any good at all, it wouldn't solve anything.. that it's non-sense to think about it because it's too late. All it do to you is that you get stuck to all those "what if's".. Most of us have those "what ifs" kept inside. We're too scared to let other people know about it, because it makes us look weak and vulnerable.. and we don't want that, right? Well, I also have those too.. but I don't dwell to much to those because as I say, it's non-sense. But then, when having a quiet moment of myself, when I'm alone, when I can't sleep at night.. that's when random thoughts starts running in my...

It’s good to be a kid sometimes, to be more childlike without giving up being an adult. To feel the feeling of a child full of excitement, being spontaneous, full of laughter, care-free and just being happy with everything. Sometimes, I miss being a kid again where life is simple, no complications and pure. Where I can run and play all day without getting tired. Where I can eat however much I wanted without getting worried of getting fat. Where believing in fairytales is so easy and that there is always a happy ending waiting in the end. Where I cried just because of candies and scraped knees, nothing too personal to cry over. I miss not being stressed with everything around me that’s happening. Maybe I don’t really want to be a kid literally, maybe I just wish about my life right now is to live it the way kids live their life. 

I’m tired of explaining myself. I’m not perfect. There are times that I am clumsy or dumb in some of my ways like decision-making, that it’s too late to realize that someone was hurt because of my actions when in the first place, I do not intend to hurt anybody, it just that I’m so confuse and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes, I’m so captivated with everything that’s happening around me that I tend to neglect some people because I decided to be in favor of someone else, then again they will start sulking at me. Why is it always like that? Why is it we always have to think first and consider someone else’s feeling before doing anything? When will be time that I can do all I want or decide for anything that no one will get hurt in the end? Can’t we just do anything without hurting anybody? Why can’t I do whatever that makes me happy or things I consider to be the best, and just hope that everyone around me will be happy for me.  Am I being selfish because of this kind of thin...