my thoughts in bare

As I look back for the past 24 years of life, although life hasn't been that good to me I must say that I'm still thankful that despite of all struggles and pain before I'm still here standing proud that I was able to surpassed it all. I used to complain about life being unfair whenever things go wrong, when things didn't happen the way I wanted it to be or when I feel hopeless and weak with all the happenings in my life. Some other times I was questioning God why it has to happen to me or what was really His plans for me.. but I realized that it was wrong, I should never doubt Him. He has reasons, everything happens for a reason.I may never know the reasons behind it but maybe I should just lay it all down to Him, anyway He knows what's right for me. Like everyone else, sometimes I wanted the easy way out just to get what I want but nobody said that life is easy. I realized if there's an easy way for everything we won't feel any accomplishment anymore b...

it hurts when.. u absolutely know the truth but you refuse to believe it.. everything you have invested (especially emotionally) are wasted.. that after all you've done, still.. it's not enough.. after all the hurt someone has caused you, you still care for that person.. you hope for something even if it is hopeless.. it's hard for you to accept your mistakes but still you don't want to regret it.. you expect for something then eventually get disappointed.. you've been used to something then suddenly it was gone.. when you have lots to say to someone but you don't have a chance to do it.. you have so much for someone but you've given so little time to show it.. you know exactly what to do but you don't know how and when to begin.. you want to turn back time, to make things the way it used to be but u can't.. you misses someone but there's nothing you can do about it.. you realized that promises are made to be broken.. th...

At last, after the long wait for almost four months now, I started working last August 9, 2010. I've been waiting for this, the past few months has been very dull and crucial for me. Crucial because for the financial aspect, imagine I was a bum for almost four months. And that means, I have to depend on all my needs from my family, including my necessity even like simple as shampoo. Then, there it follows those cases that I can't go out with my friends simply because I don't have money and I can't take to beg from them just because of that, besides, hanging out with friends is not on their priorities, that would just mean as an unnecessary expenses for them. Besides from my personal agenda, next to it is the general family financial problem. Then, it is very uncomfortable on my part of being useless because all my life since I graduated from college, I started working for them and not depending on them. Admit it, without money you don't have the means for everything...

It's been a while since the last time I wrote here in my blog. Actually, I've done a lot of drafts that was supposedly to be post here but for some reason I'm not satisfied so I decided to discard all of it. Blogging has been a part of me, especially this became a tool or shall I say an output of my emotions. It's an online journal for me, where I can burst out some of the unspoken words. One more thing about it, is that this became a means of communication between me and my friend, for us to keep updated on whatever that's happening to us. Few days ago, I received an email from her, at the end of her email, her words triggered something inside of me, I don't know what it is, but one thing for sure she was right! She said that because I wasn't blogging regularly for few months now, it's like she's not updated with my life now though we managed to have a constant email to each other, same as me with her, since I wasn't able to read her blogs. ...

I remember, someone asked me this, "if given a chance, what superpower do you want to have?".. back then, I answered I wish I had the power to teleport into different places in an instant, so that I would have the opportunity to travel into places I've never been anytime I want and without expenses needed. But now, I realize that's not what I want anymore. Now I wish I had the power to manipulate things that happened or could happen. If only I could turn back time and change things to make it better, I would. If only, I could foresee the future so that I would know if something bad will happen.. so that I can change it or avoid it beforehand. But this is impossible.. this is the reality, what's done is done. We can never bring back the past no matter how we want it badly. That there are some things in our life that's beyond our control. Anyway, the important thing is now. Now is the time to learn from the past and make better things. Yes, it's easy to ...

- not all we want is worth the risk - sometimes, we need to push ourselves too much to realize our limits - never let someone hurt you twice, if he had done it once, it's bound to happen again.. Once is enough to learn.. - giving someone a second chance is exposing yourself to be hurt again because no matter what he do to you you'll just accept him over and over again.. - it's not wrong to love yourself more - there's no such thing as give and take in a relationship, it's more on give, give and give..until your heart voluntarily quits. - it's true that a bastard is always a bastard! - reality is, it's not always like a fairytale. sometimes, it's just an illusion created for you to believe that there is a happy ending. - don't refuse to see the signs when it's already showing you that everything is going on the wrong direction - and most of all, somebody may leave you but true friends never will..

There are two kinds of person that exists here in the world,  the first one are those who fooled people and the other one are those who are fooled. I know that, just as good and bad guys exist. But then, I just can't believe that those people, the first one I mentioned, really do exist. I just can't believe how come it seems so easy for them to hurt people, to let someone hope for something that will never happen, to believe and trust them, then afterwards leaving that someone wounded. Don't they have conscience?..  Don't they know how to play fair?.. I don't want to think that he's that kind of person. I don't want to believe it. I still want to believe that there is good in him, that it's not his intention, that he really cares for me but then it's just not enough.. that's why things didn't happen the way I wanted.. Sometimes, I wish I can make him feel how much pain he caused me. That I can make revenge for what he did, to get even with ...

In making choices in our life, they say that we do have two options, doing the right thing or doing the good thing. When I first heard this, i thought it was a little bit confusing .. what's the difference?..  Doing the right thing means you do it because that's the way it should be. It is when your mind supersedes your heart. When we say doing the good thing, it is for the best not just for your own good but to others too.  You will always see what's wrong when you are right, but you will never know which is right when you are happy doing wrong. Sometimes we need other people just to remind us what is right or wrong in order for us to realize what we are doing.  This time, I choose to do the right thing.  Maybe, it's not right to continue living with something which is already wrong from the very beginning.  Maybe, it would be better this way . But if it hurts too much, how can it possibly be the right thing? How i wish I'm not that stupid and weak.. s...

Just this afternoon, I went to the recruitment center where I was hired a few months ago to follow-up my training start date. I'm already pissed off for keeping me waiting there for three hours, but then I don't have a choice but to wait. I hate it!.. that's what I'm doing for almost two months now, waiting..  After three hours of waiting there, I was finally able to spoke with one of the staff regarding my concern. Unfortunately, they still can't give a specific start date as of now. He said that I was one of the few trainees who were affected by the transition happened in their office regarding some beneficial policy with the trainees. And that the pool of trainees for this month was already full. He apologized to me in behalf of the company for what happened and how much hassle it has brought to me.  I feel so frustrated and angry at the same time because I will go home without getting the reason why I went there. I want to show him how angry I am, but of course ...

April 16, 2010 My last day working in LFI, I remember I was emotional that time, tears falling from my eyes while saying goodbye to my friends and colleagues. At the same time, I feel excited to work in my new career. When my application was accepted there, I was asked to render first my resignation immediately in order to process my employment. I'm done now with my medical and all the necessary requirements was passed. I even signed the contract as well proving that I am hired and part of the company. After that, I was hoping that I would start my training immediately in a few weeks, but for some reason that they didn't manage to explain to us, training schedule was postponed. Until now, I'm still waiting for a call from them for the training schedule. I've been unemployed for almost two months now, haven't they realized how much hassle and stress they have cause this to me?.. At first, it's a good feeling to have a chance to get rest for quite some time, but ...

How many sleepless nights will I have to survive?.. How many times will I be waking up in the middle of my sleep with thoughts of him?.. Reminiscing back old memories is non-sense.. Through this, I'm just letting the pain remain inside of me. But what can I do if this is just the only way I can be with him again even for a while?.. If this is just the only way I can be happy for some point?.. Even if this is far from reality now. Am I hearing myself right?.. I know I sound stupid, I don't care, this is how I feel.. It doesn't matter.. It hurts to leave someone even if u want to stay because u just need to.. But what hurts most is the fact that, that person made u feel loved, made u believed he loved you, but the truth is he never really did. What sad about this is that despite of that you can't stop loving that person and hoping that he'll be back in your life again even though you know that is really impossible.. Decision has been made and I can never bring it back...

Some people say that our life revolves around in three different aspects, family, career and love. They say that we can’t get everything we want at the same time. Sometimes, we have the best of family relationship or career but we don’t have the best in love life, or vice versa. Family “In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit.” – Marge Kennedy We have the greatest and unconditional love from our family. No matter what happen and how many times we stumble and fall, at the end of the day they would still accept and love us. Though many times we come across problems, we know that it would just sweep away after some time and we’ll be back again from the way we used to be with them. They are easy to plea...

--> Sometimes, no matter how we try to hold on to something, no matter what we do, it’s just not enough to make them stay longer. I thought I can do it. I thought I can keep it longer. I thought I can endure the pain but I’m wrong. Today, I realize I finally came to the end of my limitations. I still want it but I can’t do it anymore, not when I know that I am hurting inside and everything is just an illusion. Now my mind is clear, the truth is right here on my face. I knew it all along, it’s just hard to admit and accept it. I don’t want to live in lies anymore. I’m done believing in something which is too far from what I really want to happen. I’m tired from the deception I have created for myself. I know where I’ll be happy, but it’s hard to hold on that happiness when it’s also the one that causes my sadness. Enough is enough.

I have told myself that if ever this would come, I’ll be ready but I’m wrong. Now, I feel scared and skeptical how will I do it? Will I be ready that enough to face and shoulder a much bigger responsibility?.. I truly understand my brother why he came up with his decisions and I do want nothing but happiness in him just like he wished for. I know he would never leave us, just like he said he would still help us but I also know that it wouldn’t be enough and be the same just like it used to which means a bigger responsibility on my part. For the past few weeks, my parents are being emotional especially “papa”. They’re having a hard time to accept everything, feeling more upset and frustrated of what’s going on and what would happen next. Sometimes, I feel a little irritated and upset with the constant hearing of complains from them. If only, I could just turn my back on them and just focused in my own needs but I wouldn’t, I couldn’t. I don’t have the courage to do it or more to say...

Career change. I have mentioned this on my previous post. Now that what I want is right here on my palm, I don’t know how will I start. I know exactly what should I do but I don’t have the courage yet to do it. I only have two weeks more to stay and do everything I have to do here at my present work. I know I have to file my resignation immediately because of short span of time I only have now but I feel a little embarrass, maybe because I have such a great respect to my immediate supervisors and boss, they’ve been so very kind to me in my whole stay here. They may feel betrayed with my actions, because of my sudden decision to leave and to think that just a few weeks ago, he told me to please stay for a little while and not to leave him abruptly. I don’t have a choice, everything that happened is beyond my control. I never imagined that it would be so fast like this. If only I could stay longer more, I will.. just like I said they’ve been so very kind to me and I have the best of c...

Sometimes, when you thought that you finally decided to accept things to be over, then after an instance things happened beyond our control and try to change our mind. I believe everything happens for a reason, no matter what’s the reason behind it, I don’t care anymore. All I know now is that I don’t want to deprive myself from one thing where I’ll be happy, whatever the consequence I may face from it. Compromise. I hate to compromise in everything but sometimes, you don’t have a choice if you really want something. It is as if I am giving up a part of what I really want and just accepting that fact of receiving too little of it. They say it is a mutual acceptance from both party, but how can you say it if you know that deep within each of you, neither of you gets what you want. Anyway, it’s better this way than nothing at all. Patience is a virtue. I know myself for not having a long patience. I’m always having a hard time to control my emotions, most of the time, I find myse...

Sometimes you’re leaving, sometimes you’re left, and no matter how it happened, the loss of it can bring on intense pain. After confiding to my friend what happened, it was so nice of her that I have received a piece of prayer in a paper and a compilation of advice on how to deal with it. Here are some that makes sense to me.. - getting over “ The longer you put off the end, the harder it is to stick to it and maintain your resolve, and the longer it will take to really get over it. ” The pain will hold on as long as we do. No matter how hard and painful it is, it’s on how we handle things. It’s up to us if we choose to nurture the pain and live in bitterness or think of happiness behind the cause of pain. - crying is healthy “know that it is okay to cry” but not for long. It is our way for releasing all the pain we hid inside us. I think it’s also good to remember this “Don’t cry that it’s over, smile that it happened.” - failure? “No relationship is ever a failure if you...

--> “I never saw it coming..” We all say these words whenever something bad happened in our life and when we’re having a hard time to accept things. I realized this is not true, I think we knew it from the very beginning, it’s just that we try to deny it from ourselves. Thinking and wishing that there would be a miracle that will fix everything we worry about. And if everything falls, we are trying to console ourselves by saying these words because we knew the truth all along. Most of the time, when we want something badly and though we feel that something seems wrongs about it, we still wanted to go on, I don’t know why.. Maybe because we’re hoping that at the end of the day everything will be fine. Anyway, how would we know, if we wouldn’t try?.. We’ll never know the outcome of our actions unless we tried.Who knows? In every decision we make it may get us up or down. And if everything gets worse, I don’t want to regret things that happened. Once a friend told ...

I wonder how transparent I am in front of other people around me or are they just too observant to notice me?.. I tried to act like normal and continue to do the things I have to do. I thought no one bothers to notice me but I’m wrong. This afternoon, I was told by my boss that I’m sad. He asked me if I had a fight with “him”. I didn’t manage to answer back, I just smiled at him. I thought my eyes are already dry from crying. I said I will never cry again but with just simple words from my boss made me cry. I have to turn my back from him to hide the tears. shameful.. grrrrr.. I almost say it loud to him that I didn’t have a fight with “him”, wish I had.. so I can say straight to his face how he made me feel and see his reaction. I’d rather hear it than be in silence and you don’t know what to think and feel. When you’re going through like this, have u asked yourself what is… “the most tiring thing to do? – it is to think. To think of someone who don’t even think of y...

Since you've been gone I've been lonely Longing to be with you only Maybe there still is a way I could find you and say just how I feel I can't believe that it's over Wish somehow I could have showed her All that was inside my heart ’Stead of playin' the games, you might have stayed Funny just the other night I was thinkin' And wondered if you ever think about me I call you on the phone, there's no answer CHORUS Oh, well, there's still tomorrow Oh, well, I'll try again Oh, well, maybe, just maybe Since you've been gone I've been lonely Longing to be with you only If there's a way I could beg you to stay Would you please stay with me I was thinkin' maybe I could come over Hoping we could find a way work this out Even if tonight we don't find an answer REPEAT CHORUS If I had another chance We would stand hand in hand You'd be my girl and I'd be your man Oh, well, maybe, just ma...

This time I have to pretend to everyone else that I’m okay. I don’t wanna see the disappointment and pity from their eyes, I can’t bare it anymore. I’m already hurting inside. For now, I just want them to believe that I’m happy just like few weeks ago. I feel tired. I want to go to places I’ve never been, far from here, far from people I knew so that I would never have to answer their questions what happened. I’m tired of explaining myself. Wish I could runaway from this reality but I can’t. I know this would be over soon. I’m just having a hard time to accept things, I only have good memories to remember maybe that’s why. I don’t know how would I appreciate again watching fireworks display just like I used to, for I know I will just remember those times. I tried to drive my mind to other things this past weekend but to no avail. I look fine but I know I’m not. I’ve watched three different movies at home then I went to the mall with my niece, have fun with her, bought some stuff and ...

This day was no different at all with some other days that passed here in the office. I arrived here with nothing to do for the whole afternoon except with answering some phone calls. My boss is out of the office which means there’s really nothing to do. I was feeling sleepy all day, I encourage myself to do some stuff like organizing my files just to ease the groggy feeling. When I don’t have something else to do, I started reading some e-book filed in my computer, but I didn’t manage to continue reading, it just making me feel more sleepy. Then from reading I shifted my attention to surfing in the internet, checking my facebook account and email every now and then, waiting for the response from my friend. That’s what I did the whole afternoon, I just stop during break time of course and when somebody enters our department. Now that I’m tired especially my eyes, I refrain for a little while from surfing. I ended up writing something to post here in my blog. Maybe for some ...

Forgive and forget. Could it be possible that you already forgive that person who hurt you or someone that you’re angry before but you can’t forget what he/she’d done to you? For some, it’s easily for them to forgive and forget, and then eventually they can easily hang-out again with that person. But for me, it’s not that way. When someone cause me pain or hatred, no matter how big deal it is, it’s not easy for me to forgive that person, it will take time for me to do that, and when I finally forgave that person, it’s not easy for me to go back like the old days hanging out again with them like nothing happened. Yes I can look at their eyes, and say hi but never get friends again, it will never be the same again for me. For some instance, when I have to mingle with the same circle of friends he/she is with, I can pretend that he/she does not exist in my world. A simple nod to him/her is enough reaction you can get from me. That’s me. Some of my friends can’t underst...

I’m here at the office, feeling so sleepy and not in the mood to fix my files. I tried to do some stuff and make myself busy but to no avail. Then, I decided to listen some music stored in my phone. I was listening to the song Reflection by Cristina Aguilera when suddenly I felt sad. Sometimes, we are once like this girl in the song pretending to be someone else in front of many people, making them believe that it is who we are but honestly we’re not! We are always afraid to show who we really are, afraid what people may think of you when you show what you think and feel. Afraid that they will not understand and accept you as you. Sometimes, we are pretending that were fine and happy in front of them but when the time comes that you’re all alone by yourself, you will then feel your loneliness, fear and insecurities. When will be the time that you don’t care anymore what people may think of you and that you can do whatever you want to do. Here's the song... ♫ ♪ ♫ REFLE...

I have to travel alone from Manila to Balibago, Sta.rosa Laguna. My friend and I were supposed to meet somewhere to get her things from her previous boarding house and to spend weekend with her in Laguna. But she was too sleepy that morning, since I don’t have anything to do for the weekend and everything is set, I agree to travel alone although I really don’t know the place. She just picked me up on the Balibago Bus Terminal Station. Traveling alone was not really my type, I’m always afraid to get lost.. hehehe.. a very childish manner in my age now. Anyway, travel from Manila to Balibago Sta.rosa Laguna was a very short travel, I think it was just one and a half hours travel. Although, my friend assured me that Balibago Bus Terminal Station will be the last destination and all passengers will get out of the bus the moment I’ll arrive there, and that I don’t have to worry that I might end somewhere else, still, I can’t help myself worry during the whole travel. I can’t even hav...

My career has been in a standstill for quite a while now, I no longer get any satisfaction from my work, and maybe it’s time for me to make a career change. Making a career change can be a difficult task and it may feel like I will be turning my life upside down, because I will not do anymore whatever I used to do before but, in the end, I may actually end up turning my life right-side up. It is also possible for me that I could end up with a career that is moving in the right direction -- forward. Honestly, the number one factor why I was thinking about this is because of the salary I’m getting from my present work. It’s never been enough for sustaining my needs alone, what more to the needs of my family which is my obligation to provide for them. Haaaayzz… It’s been weeks now that my brother was convincing me to get another job, I know his reasons, he had to shoulder most of the responsibilities at home because I can’t help him enough. I understand him well with that. That’...

My life has been an open book for everyone around me especially to my family and friends. I used to tell them whatever happens to me, that’s why keeping secrets to them is hard for me. Even to my friends, I feel that I always have to tell them what’s happening to me. But this time maybe because of some circumstances, I don’t know how will I tell them. I know, at this moment some of them notice something but afraid to ask me or maybe they are almost dying now to know what’s happening to me. As of now, I still don’t have the courage to tell them especially in details but I know sooner or later they will ask and needed to know. I’m not comfortable like explaining myself, it was very embarrassing on my part. There is just one person yet who knows everything, (well, not everything.. ^_^), I didn’t manage to make stories and lie to her. Telling her has been so hard for me, hahaha.. I needed to just email it to her although we’re already chatting that moment, I can’t stand to ...

Sometimes things happened in our life not in the way we wanted, expected or planned. I did not intend this to happen to me so soon and fast. I’ve never been so confused in myself and how I feel like this before. It is as if I don’t know anymore what to think and feel. I don’t know anymore if this is me. I used to take things slow and easy, but this time I don’t know anymore what and why did it happen. With a short span of time, I’m willing to take risk and try things to work out even though I don’t really know where I’m up to...

For these past few weeks, I’ve been thinking on what to write or post here on my blog, unfortunately nothing comes to my mind. It’s been a long time since I made my last post, I’m now thinking if I already lost my passion on writing of my thoughts. I hope not!.. But, in those weeks of contemplating what to write, my interest turns to spending time in reading maybe that’s why I wasn’t able to make anything. I actually read different books everyday which is sometimes confusing on what should I want to finish first.. ^_^ The other day, I just finished reading the third book of Twilight, Eclipse. After reading that, I can’t wait anymore to finally read the fourth book of it which is the Breaking Dawn, unfortunately I can’t do it as of now because I haven’t bought yet that book, that was very upsetting on my part. Then, I indulge myself again into reading other books, I tried to reread again the “Two Table by Nora Roberts”, one of my collections, I’m almost on the latter part of the story...

Last night, I dreamed of him once again. This is the second time I’ve dreamed of him, the last time has been so long. I didn’t think of him last night before I sleep, and it’s been so long since the last time I thought of him. I don’t know why, this dreams helps nothing but leave me confuse. What’s behind that dream? I don’t know if this would help but I managed to seek for an answer through internet, I know how ridiculous this is but I don’t have someone to talk to about this. So here it is: According to http://www.hyperdictionary.com/dream “Seeing an old ex-boyfriend from childhood in your dream, refers to a freer, less encumbered relationship. The dream servers to bring you back to a time where the responsibilities of adulthood (or marriage) didn't interfere with the spontaneity of romance. You need to recapture the excitement, freedom, and vitality of youth that is lacking in your present relationship. Dreaming that your ex-boyfriend is giving you advice abo...