The Breadwinner

Being the breadwinner of the family is not a choice. It just happens. Taking over the responsibility since I graduated from college has never been easy for me. My parents and siblings would always come to me to clear all the utility bills and all other expenses of the family.

Deep down inside of me, I have this feeling of satisfaction that slowly I'm bringing out my family out of financial crisis that we were facing since we were young, that finally we were able to experience the little luxuries of life, that we are no longer to worry of not having a food on the table.

However, over the years it didn't occured to me the weight of being the sole provider of the family until my other siblings had their own family one by one unexpectedly and as I watched my parents grow old and still taking care of their grandchildrens.

I am the middle child of the family. I'm not supposed to shoulder all the weight of responsibilities and burdens alone. If only they have been wiser living their life, it would be much easier. Lately, I feel so tired for being the breadwinner for the last 11 years of my life, and despite of all these resentful feelings, I don't wanna stop... knowing my parents have no one else to turn to except me.

As my parents grow old, they started to be more stubborn each and every day. Worst thing is, they became more and more unsatisfied with what I'm able to give. Leaving me feeling like unappreciated and not good enough despite of trying my absolute best, it sucks right?!

Is this normal? or am I being too emotional again?..

Dear Blogger..

Hi!. It's been a while.. I missed you.. I'm sorry for all the days and months that I neglected to write and speak my mind to you... I'm not going to reason out for not writing for so long.. I am just sorry..

When I started blogging I think that was 8 years ago.. I felt the need to communicate to the world what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking about things, what I'm doing, where I've been, what I think about the last book I have read or the movie I have watched.. the need to voice out whatever in my mind.. the time when I thought I have no one else to turn to but you. No pretensions, just being me.

Blogging has been my comfort zone for releasing all my thoughts and feelings.. which I think still do. Today, I wanted to give it a try again.. back to writing.. back to blogging.. Hope to be back on soon..