whatever!..

Sometimes, when you thought that you finally decided to accept things to be over, then after an instance things happened beyond our control and try to change our mind. I believe everything happens for a reason, no matter what’s the reason behind it, I don’t care anymore. All I know now is that I don’t want to deprive myself from one thing where I’ll be happy, whatever the consequence I may face from it.

Compromise. I hate to compromise in everything but sometimes, you don’t have a choice if you really want something. It is as if I am giving up a part of what I really want and just accepting that fact of receiving too little of it. They say it is a mutual acceptance from both party, but how can you say it if you know that deep within each of you, neither of you gets what you want. Anyway, it’s better this way than nothing at all.

Patience is a virtue. I know myself for not having a long patience. I’m always having a hard time to control my emotions, most of the time, I find myself bursting out what I feel and worst is saying the things that should be remain unspoken. Then realizing that I shouldn’t have said those words because it’s just making things complicated. I wish I was able to endure no matter how difficult circumstances are, without feeling of annoyance or acting in a negative way.

insights..

Sometimes you’re leaving, sometimes you’re left, and no matter how it happened, the loss of it can bring on intense pain.

After confiding to my friend what happened, it was so nice of her that I have received a piece of prayer in a paper and a compilation of advice on how to deal with it. Here are some that makes sense to me..

- getting over
“The longer you put off the end, the harder it is to stick to it and maintain your resolve, and the longer it will take to really get over it.” The pain will hold on as long as we do. No matter how hard and painful it is, it’s on how we handle things. It’s up to us if we choose to nurture the pain and live in bitterness or think of happiness behind the cause of pain.

- crying is healthy
“know that it is okay to cry” but not for long. It is our way for releasing all the pain we hid inside us. I think it’s also good to remember this “Don’t cry that it’s over, smile that it happened.”

- failure?
“No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain.” Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t a necessary part of our journey to becoming who we meant to be. We should always think of lessons we learned to enrich our lives in every events that happened in our life. We should always remember that everything happens for a reason, no matter what it is. Actually, I am guilty about this, these past few weeks I thought that I am once again a failure.

- Be proud
“Realize that although it’s over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love.” From the very start, I accepted the fact that I have to risk if I want things to happen. Still, I’m glad that I chose to risk though it didn’t happen the way I wanted. If ever we can turn back time, I think I would still choose to do it again.

- Keep your dignity
“Taking the hard road may be hard now, but you’ll be glad later that you didn’t stoop to the gutter, even though you could have.” My friend told me that she’s proud of me besides what happened because I finally realized that I have to stop now or else I’ll end up feeling more miserable. I almost step down from my dignity; I made my part, making extra efforts though I know he wouldn’t bother to do anything in return. Now, I’m done to it, I finally decided to stop before I might undermine my self-confidence and shake my self-esteem to the core. And I don’t want it to happen, I wanted to keep my dignity, that’s all I’ve got now.

- Having an outlet
“Write all your feelings down.” The important thing is to be absolutely honest to yourself. Right, I am trying to be honest to myself. At first, I am having a second thought about it, thinking that the reader might feel tired reading about my sentiments but I realized, anyway I am writing all of this not because it is for them but for myself. Writing down on how I feel doesn’t mean I have to send it through him, it’s just a way of releasing the pain. I guess it’s right. Sometimes, we will be amazed by the insights we made as we pour it all in writing.

When we are going through this kind of pain, we always ask ourselves the reason why it happened. We even seek an advice from a friend, hoping they can provide answers for us. Sometimes we already know the answers to our questions, it’s just too painful for us to admit it to ourselves and we need to hear it from them just to wake ourselves from the illusion we made for us.

we shouldn't..

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“I never saw it coming..”

We all say these words whenever something bad happened in our life and when we’re having a hard time to accept things. I realized this is not true, I think we knew it from the very beginning, it’s just that we try to deny it from ourselves. Thinking and wishing that there would be a miracle that will fix everything we worry about. And if everything falls, we are trying to console ourselves by saying these words because we knew the truth all along.

Most of the time, when we want something badly and though we feel that something seems wrongs about it, we still wanted to go on, I don’t know why.. Maybe because we’re hoping that at the end of the day everything will be fine. Anyway, how would we know, if we wouldn’t try?.. We’ll never know the outcome of our actions unless we tried.Who knows? In every decision we make it may get us up or down. And if everything gets worse, I don’t want to regret things that happened. Once a friend told me, “we should never regret the things we’ve decided if everything goes bad, we should always remember that once in our life we’ve been happy because of that decision”

my thoughts as of now..

I wonder how transparent I am in front of other people around me or are they just too observant to notice me?.. I tried to act like normal and continue to do the things I have to do. I thought no one bothers to notice me but I’m wrong. This afternoon, I was told by my boss that I’m sad. He asked me if I had a fight with “him”. I didn’t manage to answer back, I just smiled at him. I thought my eyes are already dry from crying. I said I will never cry again but with just simple words from my boss made me cry. I have to turn my back from him to hide the tears. shameful.. grrrrr.. I almost say it loud to him that I didn’t have a fight with “him”, wish I had.. so I can say straight to his face how he made me feel and see his reaction. I’d rather hear it than be in silence and you don’t know what to think and feel.

When you’re going through like this, have u asked yourself what is…

“the most tiring thing to do? – it is to think. To think of someone who don’t even think of you.” – I’m tired of thinking about him, I wanted to stop but sometimes I can’t help it. I tried making myself busy but he keeps on linger on my mind. I hate it! When will be time when before I sleep at night and woke up in the morning that I wouldn’t be thinking about him anymore?..

“the most expensive? – it is to smile. To smile even though you’re hurt.” – I tried to smile but they say my eyes can’t hide it.

“the easiest escape? – it is to pretend. To pretend that you’re happy even though you’re NOT.” – It seems like I am wearing a mask in front of them just to conceal how I felt.

Once a friend told me “they say people come and go but the truth is, no one really disappears from your life. People never really leave, their roles just change”, I wonder what’s his role in my life now?.. could he be a simple acquaintance? haaayz…

oh well..

Since you've been gone I've been lonely
Longing to be with you only
Maybe there still is a way
I could find you and say just how I feel
I can't believe that it's over
Wish somehow I could have showed her
All that was inside my heart
’Stead of playin' the games, you might have stayed

Funny just the other night I was thinkin'
And wondered if you ever think about me
I call you on the phone, there's no answer

CHORUS

Oh, well, there's still tomorrow
Oh, well, I'll try again
Oh, well, maybe, just maybe

Since you've been gone I've been lonely
Longing to be with you only
If there's a way I could beg you to stay
Would you please stay with me
I was thinkin' maybe I could come over
Hoping we could find a way work this out
Even if tonight we don't find an answer

REPEAT CHORUS

If I had another chance
We would stand hand in hand
You'd be my girl and I'd be your man
Oh, well, maybe, just maybe we can

I still call you on the phone still no answer

Maybe later on I’ll try one more time
Or am I just a fool to keep tryin'

REPEAT CHORUS

See, if I got down on my knees
And give you every little part of me

REPEAT CHORUS

Since you've been gone I've been lonely :(

It will be over soon..

This time I have to pretend to everyone else that I’m okay. I don’t wanna see the disappointment and pity from their eyes, I can’t bare it anymore. I’m already hurting inside. For now, I just want them to believe that I’m happy just like few weeks ago. I feel tired. I want to go to places I’ve never been, far from here, far from people I knew so that I would never have to answer their questions what happened. I’m tired of explaining myself. Wish I could runaway from this reality but I can’t. I know this would be over soon. I’m just having a hard time to accept things, I only have good memories to remember maybe that’s why.

I don’t know how would I appreciate again watching fireworks display just like I used to, for I know I will just remember those times. I tried to drive my mind to other things this past weekend but to no avail. I look fine but I know I’m not. I’ve watched three different movies at home then I went to the mall with my niece, have fun with her, bought some stuff and ate whatever we want.

“never say goodbye when u still want to try, never give up when u still feel can take it”

This quote was sent to me by someone but this doesn’t apply to me anymore, there’s no use for trying now. I know when to still go on and I know when to stop, even if it hurts.

It will be over soon, I know.

paid for nothing..

This day was no different at all with some other days that passed here in the office. I arrived here with nothing to do for the whole afternoon except with answering some phone calls. My boss is out of the office which means there’s really nothing to do. I was feeling sleepy all day, I encourage myself to do some stuff like organizing my files just to ease the groggy feeling. When I don’t have something else to do, I started reading some e-book filed in my computer, but I didn’t manage to continue reading, it just making me feel more sleepy. Then from reading I shifted my attention to surfing in the internet, checking my facebook account and email every now and then, waiting for the response from my friend. That’s what I did the whole afternoon, I just stop during break time of course and when somebody enters our department. Now that I’m tired especially my eyes, I refrain for a little while from surfing. I ended up writing something to post here in my blog.

Maybe for some people, they would say why am I complaining, instead I should be thankful because I am being paid here for nothing and I’m not obliged to do something and get tired. But the thing is, I feel that my time is wasted, I am wasted. I’m just stuck here in the office doing nothing.. learning nothing. I can’t blame anyone here, it’s just that our work load here in our department is occasionally. But I always wanted something to do, something that I enjoy and feel satisfied. When will be the time that I’ll be complaining no more with regards to my work?..

forgive but not forget?..

Forgive and forget.

Could it be possible that you already forgive that person who hurt you or someone that you’re angry before but you can’t forget what he/she’d done to you? For some, it’s easily for them to forgive and forget, and then eventually they can easily hang-out again with that person. But for me, it’s not that way. When someone cause me pain or hatred, no matter how big deal it is, it’s not easy for me to forgive that person, it will take time for me to do that, and when I finally forgave that person, it’s not easy for me to go back like the old days hanging out again with them like nothing happened. Yes I can look at their eyes, and say hi but never get friends again, it will never be the same again for me. For some instance, when I have to mingle with the same circle of friends he/she is with, I can pretend that he/she does not exist in my world. A simple nod to him/her is enough reaction you can get from me. That’s me.

Some of my friends can’t understand me with that. They say I am being hard not just to them but to myself too. I think it’s not. There’s nothing I can do with that. Once a person earned my trust and respect, I can be a great friend to them but if that trust and respect was broken due to some reasons, it would be hard for that person to bring it back.

There are some people in my life that until now I felt a little resentment towards them, and I’m not proud of it. This is something you can’t be proud of. Although, I can say that I already forgave them on what they did to me, still, I can’t bare to talk to them and be nice like the old days without even remembering how they make me feel before. I can forgive but not forget. Is it odd?

reflection

I’m here at the office, feeling so sleepy and not in the mood to fix my files. I tried to do some stuff and make myself busy but to no avail. Then, I decided to listen some music stored in my phone. I was listening to the song Reflection by Cristina Aguilera when suddenly I felt sad. Sometimes, we are once like this girl in the song pretending to be someone else in front of many people, making them believe that it is who we are but honestly we’re not! We are always afraid to show who we really are, afraid what people may think of you when you show what you think and feel. Afraid that they will not understand and accept you as you. Sometimes, we are pretending that were fine and happy in front of them but when the time comes that you’re all alone by yourself, you will then feel your loneliness, fear and insecurities. When will be the time that you don’t care anymore what people may think of you and that you can do whatever you want to do.

Here's the song...

♫ ♪ ♫ REFLECTION BY CRISTINA AGUILERA ♫ ♪ ♫

look at me
you may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
ev'ry day it's as if I play a part
Now I see if i wear a mask I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me
when will my reflection show who I am inside

I am now in a world where i have to hide my heart
and what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world what's inside my heart
and be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me
why is my reflection someone I don't know
Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time
When will my reflection show who I am inside

there's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with the need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal what we think how we feel
Must there be a secret me i'm forced to hide

I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time
when will my reflection show who I am inside
When will my reflection show who I am inside

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

my weekend..

I have to travel alone from Manila to Balibago, Sta.rosa Laguna. My friend and I were supposed to meet somewhere to get her things from her previous boarding house and to spend weekend with her in Laguna. But she was too sleepy that morning, since I don’t have anything to do for the weekend and everything is set, I agree to travel alone although I really don’t know the place. She just picked me up on the Balibago Bus Terminal Station. Traveling alone was not really my type, I’m always afraid to get lost.. hehehe.. a very childish manner in my age now. Anyway, travel from Manila to Balibago Sta.rosa Laguna was a very short travel, I think it was just one and a half hours travel. Although, my friend assured me that Balibago Bus Terminal Station will be the last destination and all passengers will get out of the bus the moment I’ll arrive there, and that I don’t have to worry that I might end somewhere else, still, I can’t help myself worry during the whole travel. I can’t even have a short nap during the travel though I felt sleepy that morning. I remember, I can’t stop myself asking the lady beside me whether where are we whenever there’s a lot of passengers getting out of the bus. I was relieved when the bus arrived in the terminal, I also have to ask the other passenger if it was really the Balibago Terminal Station. From the terminal, I proceeded to the Jollibee nearby to wait for my friend there. I started to become impatient as the minute goes by, I have to call her every now and then though she said it will just took her 5-10 minutes to arrived there from her apartment. I hate being stranded alone in a place I didn’t know.

When my friend arrived to pick me up, we proceeded to the grocery nearby to buy some stuff and food for the whole day. We were able to talk different things while inside the grocery buying what we need. It’s been a long time since the last time we saw each other but in spite of that it seems that we haven’t seen each other in a long time and trying to catch things. Our talks and laughs when were together seems so normal and nothings change. And I’m glad about it. I cooked pork sinigang for our dinner while she cleaned the house. It’s great working with your friend in a house. Every now and then, she will go to the kitchen and try to taste what I’m cooking. In our home, it’s very often for me to cook since I don’t have much time to do such chores because of my work but I knew how to cook and I’m confident it would be a success. ^_^

Honestly, it’s my idea to cook our dinner. Actually, the budget saving reason behind that cooking was just a secondary reason to me. The main reason why I insist cooking our dinner is because of the thought that my boyfriend will arrive that night. Hehehe.. I just want to prepare food for him. Although, it’s not the romantic type of dinner that everyone may think of, because we’re with my friend in her apartment, but I’m just glad doing such things for him. Part of me still believes in the saying that “ the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.. ^_^ Just as I assume, it was a success, the food was great according to them.

My weekend was great, I was able to have my bonding moment together with my friend and boyfriend at the same time. I hope it would happen again soon.