contemplating after 24 years of my life..

As I look back for the past 24 years of life, although life hasn't been that good to me I must say that I'm still thankful that despite of all struggles and pain before I'm still here standing proud that I was able to surpassed it all.

I used to complain about life being unfair whenever things go wrong, when things didn't happen the way I wanted it to be or when I feel hopeless and weak with all the happenings in my life. Some other times I was questioning God why it has to happen to me or what was really His plans for me.. but I realized that it was wrong, I should never doubt Him. He has reasons, everything happens for a reason.I may never know the reasons behind it but maybe I should just lay it all down to Him, anyway He knows what's right for me.

Like everyone else, sometimes I wanted the easy way out just to get what I want but nobody said that life is easy. I realized if there's an easy way for everything we won't feel any accomplishment anymore because we don't have to work hard for it. One more thing, this is the truth about life: " Not all we want is right for us that's why we can never get all we want."

This year at the age of 25, I won't promise that I would stop complaining but this is what I am sure of.. I am more stronger and wiser than before.. and I owe it from all from what I've been through.

I'm now looking forward for a great life ahead.. LESS mistakes but MORE happiness.. ^_^

random things that hurts you the most..

it hurts when..

u absolutely know the truth but you refuse to believe it..

everything you have invested (especially emotionally) are wasted.. that after all you've done, still.. it's not enough..

after all the hurt someone has caused you, you still care for that person..

you hope for something even if it is hopeless..

it's hard for you to accept your mistakes but still you don't want to regret it..

you expect for something then eventually get disappointed..

you've been used to something then suddenly it was gone..

when you have lots to say to someone but you don't have a chance to do it..

you have so much for someone but you've given so little time to show it..

you know exactly what to do but you don't know how and when to begin..

you want to turn back time, to make things the way it used to be but u can't..

you misses someone but there's nothing you can do about it..

you realized that promises are made to be broken.. that it's there only for you to have something to hold on with just for that moment..

when you don't know whether to be happy or sad because finally pretensions are over..

me again..

At last, after the long wait for almost four months now, I started working last August 9, 2010. I've been waiting for this, the past few months has been very dull and crucial for me. Crucial because for the financial aspect, imagine I was a bum for almost four months. And that means, I have to depend on all my needs from my family, including my necessity even like simple as shampoo. Then, there it follows those cases that I can't go out with my friends simply because I don't have money and I can't take to beg from them just because of that, besides, hanging out with friends is not on their priorities, that would just mean as an unnecessary expenses for them. Besides from my personal agenda, next to it is the general family financial problem. Then, it is very uncomfortable on my part of being useless because all my life since I graduated from college, I started working for them and not depending on them. Admit it, without money you don't have the means for everything.

One more thing, I must say that those months has been very emotionally crucial for me. I thought I am nearly becoming insane.. ( well, this one is a bit exaggerating ). I don't have someone to talk to, I don't have a friend beside me. Imagine, how come did I survive those months?.. For those lonely days and nights, I was talking to myself, trying to contemplate things, what went wrong and what to do.

As I said earlier, becoming insane is a bit exaggerating. I know I will not be that, I can't be that.. for this this simple reason, people around me foresee me as a strong person. That whatever come my way, no matter how worst it is, I can surpass it and that I wouldn't do any unreasonable or harsh things. All I would do is cry and cry until my eyes run dry and I voluntarily quit from that. Because of that, of people around me, I have to be strong...

Now, I am very thankful that finally I am working, besides the fact that I would be able to help my family again, there would be no more dull moments for me. Here in my new work, I am starting to enjoy the nature of my work despite of the not so good working schedule and especially making new friends.

For the past few weeks, I realized how much I missed working and laughing at the same time. Thank GOD for having nice new colleagues. I am experiencing again to laugh out loud.. : D

I am becoming "ME" again!...

an escape..

It's been a while since the last time I wrote here in my blog. Actually, I've done a lot of drafts that was supposedly to be post here but for some reason I'm not satisfied so I decided to discard all of it.

Blogging has been a part of me, especially this became a tool or shall I say an output of my emotions. It's an online journal for me, where I can burst out some of the unspoken words. One more thing about it, is that this became a means of communication between me and my friend, for us to keep updated on whatever that's happening to us.

Few days ago, I received an email from her, at the end of her email, her words triggered something inside of me, I don't know what it is, but one thing for sure she was right! She said that because I wasn't blogging regularly for few months now, it's like she's not updated with my life now though we managed to have a constant email to each other, same as me with her, since I wasn't able to read her blogs.

"nget, I'm sorry if you feel that way, I didn't intend to... "

Actually, it's not that I'm not satisfied with all the blogs I have wrote, it's all fine. You know why I decided to discard all of it?.. It's not to keep from you or with my other friend who might read it but to keep it from me. I tried to lock myself, to deny whatever I am feeling and maybe to escape from it. I refused to talk about it or even think about it because I thought it would be better that way. I can be myself like I used to, laugh and talk with my friends and other people, but I'm wrong, it just make things worst.

One more thing, I was so afraid that she would be sick of my outburst, since I have nothing to think of what to write here on my blog but all about my sentiments.. sorry..

if only..

I remember, someone asked me this, "if given a chance, what superpower do you want to have?".. back then, I answered I wish I had the power to teleport into different places in an instant, so that I would have the opportunity to travel into places I've never been anytime I want and without expenses needed. But now, I realize that's not what I want anymore. Now I wish I had the power to manipulate things that happened or could happen. If only I could turn back time and change things to make it better, I would. If only, I could foresee the future so that I would know if something bad will happen.. so that I can change it or avoid it beforehand.

But this is impossible.. this is the reality, what's done is done. We can never bring back the past no matter how we want it badly. That there are some things in our life that's beyond our control.

Anyway, the important thing is now. Now is the time to learn from the past and make better things. Yes, it's easy to say it than do it, but thinking of it is a good start.

lessons learned..

- not all we want is worth the risk
- sometimes, we need to push ourselves too much to realize our limits
- never let someone hurt you twice, if he had done it once, it's bound to happen again.. Once is enough to learn..
- giving someone a second chance is exposing yourself to be hurt again because no matter what he do to you you'll just accept him over and over again..
- it's not wrong to love yourself more
- there's no such thing as give and take in a relationship, it's more on give, give and give..until your heart voluntarily quits.
- it's true that a bastard is always a bastard!
- reality is, it's not always like a fairytale. sometimes, it's just an illusion created for you to believe that there is a happy ending.
- don't refuse to see the signs when it's already showing you that everything is going on the wrong direction
- and most of all, somebody may leave you but true friends never will..

another nonsense..

There are two kinds of person that exists here in the world,  the first one are those who fooled people and the other one are those who are fooled. I know that, just as good and bad guys exist. But then, I just can't believe that those people, the first one I mentioned, really do exist. I just can't believe how come it seems so easy for them to hurt people, to let someone hope for something that will never happen, to believe and trust them, then afterwards leaving that someone wounded. Don't they have conscience?..  Don't they know how to play fair?..

I don't want to think that he's that kind of person. I don't want to believe it. I still want to believe that there is good in him, that it's not his intention, that he really cares for me but then it's just not enough.. that's why things didn't happen the way I wanted..

Sometimes, I wish I can make him feel how much pain he caused me. That I can make revenge for what he did, to get even with him.. but then, if that's the case, would it change a thing even a little?.. Would it ease the pain?.. I think not.. And I don't think I can do it to him..

the right thing..

In making choices in our life, they say that we do have two options, doing the right thing or doing the good thing. When I first heard this, i thought it was a little bit confusing.. what's the difference?.. 

Doing the right thing means you do it because that's the way it should be. It is when your mind supersedes your heart. When we say doing the good thing, it is for the best not just for your own good but to others too. 

You will always see what's wrong when you are right, but you will never know which is right when you are happy doing wrong. Sometimes we need other people just to remind us what is right or wrong in order for us to realize what we are doing. 

This time, I choose to do the right thing.  Maybe, it's not right to continue living with something which is already wrong from the very beginning.  Maybe, it would be better this way. But if it hurts too much, how can it possibly be the right thing?

How i wish I'm not that stupid and weak.. so that I wouldn't have to go through this.. so that my family and friends, people who are so dear to me won't have to feel disappointed  and pity on me.. I hate this feeling.. I remember once mama told me this, " don't invest too much emotion 'coz u might get hurt".. I just brushed her off that time and I said, "Iknow!" I wish I listened to her.. maybe, it wouldn't be like this..

keep waiting..

Just this afternoon, I went to the recruitment center where I was hired a few months ago to follow-up my training start date. I'm already pissed off for keeping me waiting there for three hours, but then I don't have a choice but to wait. I hate it!.. that's what I'm doing for almost two months now, waiting..  After three hours of waiting there, I was finally able to spoke with one of the staff regarding my concern. Unfortunately, they still can't give a specific start date as of now. He said that I was one of the few trainees who were affected by the transition happened in their office regarding some beneficial policy with the trainees. And that the pool of trainees for this month was already full. He apologized to me in behalf of the company for what happened and how much hassle it has brought to me.  I feel so frustrated and angry at the same time because I will go home without getting the reason why I went there. I want to show him how angry I am, but of course I didn't do it, I know he has nothing to do with what happened, he's just following orders. It's as if I don't have a choice but to accept his apology. 

When I get home, burden covers me after hearing my mom's reaction. What now?... haaaay... I feel pressured with all the expenses needed of my other siblings especially this school year. I tried sending applications with other companies hoping that there might be other opportunity waiting for me but I haven't got any luck yet. I hate it, when things happened like this which is beyond my control. 

Again, I have to wait for their call.. haaaay..

decisions..

April 16, 2010
My last day working in LFI, I remember I was emotional that time, tears falling from my eyes while saying goodbye to my friends and colleagues. At the same time, I feel excited to work in my new career. When my application was accepted there, I was asked to render first my resignation immediately in order to process my employment. I'm done now with my medical and all the necessary requirements was passed. I even signed the contract as well proving that I am hired and part of the company. After that, I was hoping that I would start my training immediately in a few weeks, but for some reason that they didn't manage to explain to us, training schedule was postponed. Until now, I'm still waiting for a call from them for the training schedule.

I've been unemployed for almost two months now, haven't they realized how much hassle and stress they have cause this to me?.. At first, it's a good feeling to have a chance to get rest for quite some time, but for this long?.. it's too much!

Patience is a virtue, I know that.. but as I said this is too much for me, making me wait for this long. I'm starting to get worried now, knowing that there are people that depends on me. Being a bread winner in a family, I can't be unemployed for a long time. Daily expenses can't wait.

Did I made the right choice?.. Immediately resigning from my previous job considering that I am a regular employee there, in exchange to a more compensated and promising career ahead. But now,I end up nothing. I hope that this waiting would end soon and that they have something great for me.

sad truth..

How many sleepless nights will I have to survive?..

How many times will I be waking up in the middle of my sleep with thoughts of him?..

Reminiscing back old memories is non-sense.. Through this, I'm just letting the pain remain inside of me. But what can I do if this is just the only way I can be with him again even for a while?.. If this is just the only way I can be happy for some point?.. Even if this is far from reality now.

Am I hearing myself right?.. I know I sound stupid, I don't care, this is how I feel.. It doesn't matter..

It hurts to leave someone even if u want to stay because u just need to.. But what hurts most is the fact that, that person made u feel loved, made u believed he loved you, but the truth is he never really did. What sad about this is that despite of that you can't stop loving that person and hoping that he'll be back in your life again even though you know that is really impossible..

Decision has been made and I can never bring it back, I never will.. but if I will be given a chance to change things and make it happen my way, I'll do it. But I guess, I need a great miracle or magic just for it. So maybe, I have to accept that sometimes there's just no happy endings.

Sometimes, goodbye is necessary. That's the hardest thing to do because deep within you, you know you don't want to do it but you have to.

They say that we don't really move on, there's no such thing like moving on, we just get used to the pain.. that we don't mind at all the pain anymore. If that's the case, when will I be used to the pain, to what happened? How long will I be like this?..

family, career & love..

Some people say that our life revolves around in three different aspects, family, career and love. They say that we can’t get everything we want at the same time. Sometimes, we have the best of family relationship or career but we don’t have the best in love life, or vice versa.

Family

“In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit.” – Marge Kennedy

We have the greatest and unconditional love from our family. No matter what happen and how many times we stumble and fall, at the end of the day they would still accept and love us. Though many times we come across problems, we know that it would just sweep away after some time and we’ll be back again from the way we used to be with them. They are easy to please, they know how to appreciate even the small things we did for them.  

Love

“Love is the only rational act.” – Mitch Albom 

A seemingly simple word but hard to understand. It’s not a cheesy romance novel or movie we used to know. The reality of it is far beyond from that. They say that if you’re in love, you just love without thinking first of the consequences and without hoping for any assurance. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. There are times that you feel you’re too close to happiness but you have to let it swept away because at that moment you can no longer take the pain. At times of failure, we hope that picking up the pieces could be as simple as that. Sometimes you feel that it feels so right though it may look wrong to some. Sometimes, you’re surprised that you can do things or actions that you think you can’t do or wouldn’t do if you’re in your right mind. If after the long run, you realize that everything you do for the sake of love is wrong, will you be able say that it is just the rational act?.. Maybe yes, for that moment.

Career

“There is no security in life, only opportunity.” – Mark Twain

Most of us were after the security in life, that’s the reason why we work. We always search for a better career. Sometimes we have to leave our current job though at some point we know that we are happy being there, just because we are looking for a better opportunity. Transferring in new career means we have to face new challenges, new work environment, new nature of work and most of all new faces. Being in a new work environment is sometimes a very unpleasant feeling because we wouldn’t be with people we used to know and not all of us are good in making new friends.    

They say that we can’t have everything we want without sacrificing anything. We have to strive hard to get what we want, whichever in the matter of family, career and love.

enough is enough..

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Sometimes, no matter how we try to hold on to something, no matter what we do, it’s just not enough to make them stay longer.

I thought I can do it. I thought I can keep it longer. I thought I can endure the pain but I’m wrong. Today, I realize I finally came to the end of my limitations. I still want it but I can’t do it anymore, not when I know that I am hurting inside and everything is just an illusion.

Now my mind is clear, the truth is right here on my face. I knew it all along, it’s just hard to admit and accept it. I don’t want to live in lies anymore. I’m done believing in something which is too far from what I really want to happen. I’m tired from the deception I have created for myself. I know where I’ll be happy, but it’s hard to hold on that happiness when it’s also the one that causes my sadness.

Enough is enough.

i hope so..

I have told myself that if ever this would come, I’ll be ready but I’m wrong. Now, I feel scared and skeptical how will I do it? Will I be ready that enough to face and shoulder a much bigger responsibility?..

I truly understand my brother why he came up with his decisions and I do want nothing but happiness in him just like he wished for. I know he would never leave us, just like he said he would still help us but I also know that it wouldn’t be enough and be the same just like it used to which means a bigger responsibility on my part. For the past few weeks, my parents are being emotional especially “papa”. They’re having a hard time to accept everything, feeling more upset and frustrated of what’s going on and what would happen next. Sometimes, I feel a little irritated and upset with the constant hearing of complains from them. If only, I could just turn my back on them and just focused in my own needs but I wouldn’t, I couldn’t. I don’t have the courage to do it or more to say, I don’t have the conscience to do it. I know it’s wrong even just a mere thought of it. I don’t want to take for granted everything they’ve done to me. I owe them what I am now.

Maybe I just pray and wish that everything will be fine soon and they would finally understand and accept that things are just things. If only everything in this world is just like that “things are just things”, that you don’t need a reason to understand for whatever is happening, that it is just too easy to accept it. No more complications, no more pain. If that’s the case, maybe it would be easier for me to face this world without worrying because I know that no matter what happen they would understand. 

finally..

Career change. I have mentioned this on my previous post. Now that what I want is right here on my palm, I don’t know how will I start. I know exactly what should I do but I don’t have the courage yet to do it. I only have two weeks more to stay and do everything I have to do here at my present work. I know I have to file my resignation immediately because of short span of time I only have now but I feel a little embarrass, maybe because I have such a great respect to my immediate supervisors and boss, they’ve been so very kind to me in my whole stay here. They may feel betrayed with my actions, because of my sudden decision to leave and to think that just a few weeks ago, he told me to please stay for a little while and not to leave him abruptly. I don’t have a choice, everything that happened is beyond my control. I never imagined that it would be so fast like this. If only I could stay longer more, I will.. just like I said they’ve been so very kind to me and I have the best of colleagues here but I also have to consider some things besides of it. To some extent, I am sad of leaving and excited as well to work in a new environment. The nature of the work I may face is not a problem to me because of the fact that I already have the slight idea to it and I previously worked in that kind of industry. I hope everything goes well. As I end my career here, I am now ready to embrace again a new chapter of my life.

whatever!..

Sometimes, when you thought that you finally decided to accept things to be over, then after an instance things happened beyond our control and try to change our mind. I believe everything happens for a reason, no matter what’s the reason behind it, I don’t care anymore. All I know now is that I don’t want to deprive myself from one thing where I’ll be happy, whatever the consequence I may face from it.

Compromise. I hate to compromise in everything but sometimes, you don’t have a choice if you really want something. It is as if I am giving up a part of what I really want and just accepting that fact of receiving too little of it. They say it is a mutual acceptance from both party, but how can you say it if you know that deep within each of you, neither of you gets what you want. Anyway, it’s better this way than nothing at all.

Patience is a virtue. I know myself for not having a long patience. I’m always having a hard time to control my emotions, most of the time, I find myself bursting out what I feel and worst is saying the things that should be remain unspoken. Then realizing that I shouldn’t have said those words because it’s just making things complicated. I wish I was able to endure no matter how difficult circumstances are, without feeling of annoyance or acting in a negative way.

insights..

Sometimes you’re leaving, sometimes you’re left, and no matter how it happened, the loss of it can bring on intense pain.

After confiding to my friend what happened, it was so nice of her that I have received a piece of prayer in a paper and a compilation of advice on how to deal with it. Here are some that makes sense to me..

- getting over
“The longer you put off the end, the harder it is to stick to it and maintain your resolve, and the longer it will take to really get over it.” The pain will hold on as long as we do. No matter how hard and painful it is, it’s on how we handle things. It’s up to us if we choose to nurture the pain and live in bitterness or think of happiness behind the cause of pain.

- crying is healthy
“know that it is okay to cry” but not for long. It is our way for releasing all the pain we hid inside us. I think it’s also good to remember this “Don’t cry that it’s over, smile that it happened.”

- failure?
“No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain.” Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t a necessary part of our journey to becoming who we meant to be. We should always think of lessons we learned to enrich our lives in every events that happened in our life. We should always remember that everything happens for a reason, no matter what it is. Actually, I am guilty about this, these past few weeks I thought that I am once again a failure.

- Be proud
“Realize that although it’s over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love.” From the very start, I accepted the fact that I have to risk if I want things to happen. Still, I’m glad that I chose to risk though it didn’t happen the way I wanted. If ever we can turn back time, I think I would still choose to do it again.

- Keep your dignity
“Taking the hard road may be hard now, but you’ll be glad later that you didn’t stoop to the gutter, even though you could have.” My friend told me that she’s proud of me besides what happened because I finally realized that I have to stop now or else I’ll end up feeling more miserable. I almost step down from my dignity; I made my part, making extra efforts though I know he wouldn’t bother to do anything in return. Now, I’m done to it, I finally decided to stop before I might undermine my self-confidence and shake my self-esteem to the core. And I don’t want it to happen, I wanted to keep my dignity, that’s all I’ve got now.

- Having an outlet
“Write all your feelings down.” The important thing is to be absolutely honest to yourself. Right, I am trying to be honest to myself. At first, I am having a second thought about it, thinking that the reader might feel tired reading about my sentiments but I realized, anyway I am writing all of this not because it is for them but for myself. Writing down on how I feel doesn’t mean I have to send it through him, it’s just a way of releasing the pain. I guess it’s right. Sometimes, we will be amazed by the insights we made as we pour it all in writing.

When we are going through this kind of pain, we always ask ourselves the reason why it happened. We even seek an advice from a friend, hoping they can provide answers for us. Sometimes we already know the answers to our questions, it’s just too painful for us to admit it to ourselves and we need to hear it from them just to wake ourselves from the illusion we made for us.

we shouldn't..

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“I never saw it coming..”

We all say these words whenever something bad happened in our life and when we’re having a hard time to accept things. I realized this is not true, I think we knew it from the very beginning, it’s just that we try to deny it from ourselves. Thinking and wishing that there would be a miracle that will fix everything we worry about. And if everything falls, we are trying to console ourselves by saying these words because we knew the truth all along.

Most of the time, when we want something badly and though we feel that something seems wrongs about it, we still wanted to go on, I don’t know why.. Maybe because we’re hoping that at the end of the day everything will be fine. Anyway, how would we know, if we wouldn’t try?.. We’ll never know the outcome of our actions unless we tried.Who knows? In every decision we make it may get us up or down. And if everything gets worse, I don’t want to regret things that happened. Once a friend told me, “we should never regret the things we’ve decided if everything goes bad, we should always remember that once in our life we’ve been happy because of that decision”

my thoughts as of now..

I wonder how transparent I am in front of other people around me or are they just too observant to notice me?.. I tried to act like normal and continue to do the things I have to do. I thought no one bothers to notice me but I’m wrong. This afternoon, I was told by my boss that I’m sad. He asked me if I had a fight with “him”. I didn’t manage to answer back, I just smiled at him. I thought my eyes are already dry from crying. I said I will never cry again but with just simple words from my boss made me cry. I have to turn my back from him to hide the tears. shameful.. grrrrr.. I almost say it loud to him that I didn’t have a fight with “him”, wish I had.. so I can say straight to his face how he made me feel and see his reaction. I’d rather hear it than be in silence and you don’t know what to think and feel.

When you’re going through like this, have u asked yourself what is…

“the most tiring thing to do? – it is to think. To think of someone who don’t even think of you.” – I’m tired of thinking about him, I wanted to stop but sometimes I can’t help it. I tried making myself busy but he keeps on linger on my mind. I hate it! When will be time when before I sleep at night and woke up in the morning that I wouldn’t be thinking about him anymore?..

“the most expensive? – it is to smile. To smile even though you’re hurt.” – I tried to smile but they say my eyes can’t hide it.

“the easiest escape? – it is to pretend. To pretend that you’re happy even though you’re NOT.” – It seems like I am wearing a mask in front of them just to conceal how I felt.

Once a friend told me “they say people come and go but the truth is, no one really disappears from your life. People never really leave, their roles just change”, I wonder what’s his role in my life now?.. could he be a simple acquaintance? haaayz…

oh well..

Since you've been gone I've been lonely
Longing to be with you only
Maybe there still is a way
I could find you and say just how I feel
I can't believe that it's over
Wish somehow I could have showed her
All that was inside my heart
’Stead of playin' the games, you might have stayed

Funny just the other night I was thinkin'
And wondered if you ever think about me
I call you on the phone, there's no answer

CHORUS

Oh, well, there's still tomorrow
Oh, well, I'll try again
Oh, well, maybe, just maybe

Since you've been gone I've been lonely
Longing to be with you only
If there's a way I could beg you to stay
Would you please stay with me
I was thinkin' maybe I could come over
Hoping we could find a way work this out
Even if tonight we don't find an answer

REPEAT CHORUS

If I had another chance
We would stand hand in hand
You'd be my girl and I'd be your man
Oh, well, maybe, just maybe we can

I still call you on the phone still no answer

Maybe later on I’ll try one more time
Or am I just a fool to keep tryin'

REPEAT CHORUS

See, if I got down on my knees
And give you every little part of me

REPEAT CHORUS

Since you've been gone I've been lonely :(

It will be over soon..

This time I have to pretend to everyone else that I’m okay. I don’t wanna see the disappointment and pity from their eyes, I can’t bare it anymore. I’m already hurting inside. For now, I just want them to believe that I’m happy just like few weeks ago. I feel tired. I want to go to places I’ve never been, far from here, far from people I knew so that I would never have to answer their questions what happened. I’m tired of explaining myself. Wish I could runaway from this reality but I can’t. I know this would be over soon. I’m just having a hard time to accept things, I only have good memories to remember maybe that’s why.

I don’t know how would I appreciate again watching fireworks display just like I used to, for I know I will just remember those times. I tried to drive my mind to other things this past weekend but to no avail. I look fine but I know I’m not. I’ve watched three different movies at home then I went to the mall with my niece, have fun with her, bought some stuff and ate whatever we want.

“never say goodbye when u still want to try, never give up when u still feel can take it”

This quote was sent to me by someone but this doesn’t apply to me anymore, there’s no use for trying now. I know when to still go on and I know when to stop, even if it hurts.

It will be over soon, I know.

paid for nothing..

This day was no different at all with some other days that passed here in the office. I arrived here with nothing to do for the whole afternoon except with answering some phone calls. My boss is out of the office which means there’s really nothing to do. I was feeling sleepy all day, I encourage myself to do some stuff like organizing my files just to ease the groggy feeling. When I don’t have something else to do, I started reading some e-book filed in my computer, but I didn’t manage to continue reading, it just making me feel more sleepy. Then from reading I shifted my attention to surfing in the internet, checking my facebook account and email every now and then, waiting for the response from my friend. That’s what I did the whole afternoon, I just stop during break time of course and when somebody enters our department. Now that I’m tired especially my eyes, I refrain for a little while from surfing. I ended up writing something to post here in my blog.

Maybe for some people, they would say why am I complaining, instead I should be thankful because I am being paid here for nothing and I’m not obliged to do something and get tired. But the thing is, I feel that my time is wasted, I am wasted. I’m just stuck here in the office doing nothing.. learning nothing. I can’t blame anyone here, it’s just that our work load here in our department is occasionally. But I always wanted something to do, something that I enjoy and feel satisfied. When will be the time that I’ll be complaining no more with regards to my work?..

forgive but not forget?..

Forgive and forget.

Could it be possible that you already forgive that person who hurt you or someone that you’re angry before but you can’t forget what he/she’d done to you? For some, it’s easily for them to forgive and forget, and then eventually they can easily hang-out again with that person. But for me, it’s not that way. When someone cause me pain or hatred, no matter how big deal it is, it’s not easy for me to forgive that person, it will take time for me to do that, and when I finally forgave that person, it’s not easy for me to go back like the old days hanging out again with them like nothing happened. Yes I can look at their eyes, and say hi but never get friends again, it will never be the same again for me. For some instance, when I have to mingle with the same circle of friends he/she is with, I can pretend that he/she does not exist in my world. A simple nod to him/her is enough reaction you can get from me. That’s me.

Some of my friends can’t understand me with that. They say I am being hard not just to them but to myself too. I think it’s not. There’s nothing I can do with that. Once a person earned my trust and respect, I can be a great friend to them but if that trust and respect was broken due to some reasons, it would be hard for that person to bring it back.

There are some people in my life that until now I felt a little resentment towards them, and I’m not proud of it. This is something you can’t be proud of. Although, I can say that I already forgave them on what they did to me, still, I can’t bare to talk to them and be nice like the old days without even remembering how they make me feel before. I can forgive but not forget. Is it odd?

reflection

I’m here at the office, feeling so sleepy and not in the mood to fix my files. I tried to do some stuff and make myself busy but to no avail. Then, I decided to listen some music stored in my phone. I was listening to the song Reflection by Cristina Aguilera when suddenly I felt sad. Sometimes, we are once like this girl in the song pretending to be someone else in front of many people, making them believe that it is who we are but honestly we’re not! We are always afraid to show who we really are, afraid what people may think of you when you show what you think and feel. Afraid that they will not understand and accept you as you. Sometimes, we are pretending that were fine and happy in front of them but when the time comes that you’re all alone by yourself, you will then feel your loneliness, fear and insecurities. When will be the time that you don’t care anymore what people may think of you and that you can do whatever you want to do.

Here's the song...

♫ ♪ ♫ REFLECTION BY CRISTINA AGUILERA ♫ ♪ ♫

look at me
you may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
ev'ry day it's as if I play a part
Now I see if i wear a mask I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me
when will my reflection show who I am inside

I am now in a world where i have to hide my heart
and what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world what's inside my heart
and be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me
why is my reflection someone I don't know
Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time
When will my reflection show who I am inside

there's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with the need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal what we think how we feel
Must there be a secret me i'm forced to hide

I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time
when will my reflection show who I am inside
When will my reflection show who I am inside

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

my weekend..

I have to travel alone from Manila to Balibago, Sta.rosa Laguna. My friend and I were supposed to meet somewhere to get her things from her previous boarding house and to spend weekend with her in Laguna. But she was too sleepy that morning, since I don’t have anything to do for the weekend and everything is set, I agree to travel alone although I really don’t know the place. She just picked me up on the Balibago Bus Terminal Station. Traveling alone was not really my type, I’m always afraid to get lost.. hehehe.. a very childish manner in my age now. Anyway, travel from Manila to Balibago Sta.rosa Laguna was a very short travel, I think it was just one and a half hours travel. Although, my friend assured me that Balibago Bus Terminal Station will be the last destination and all passengers will get out of the bus the moment I’ll arrive there, and that I don’t have to worry that I might end somewhere else, still, I can’t help myself worry during the whole travel. I can’t even have a short nap during the travel though I felt sleepy that morning. I remember, I can’t stop myself asking the lady beside me whether where are we whenever there’s a lot of passengers getting out of the bus. I was relieved when the bus arrived in the terminal, I also have to ask the other passenger if it was really the Balibago Terminal Station. From the terminal, I proceeded to the Jollibee nearby to wait for my friend there. I started to become impatient as the minute goes by, I have to call her every now and then though she said it will just took her 5-10 minutes to arrived there from her apartment. I hate being stranded alone in a place I didn’t know.

When my friend arrived to pick me up, we proceeded to the grocery nearby to buy some stuff and food for the whole day. We were able to talk different things while inside the grocery buying what we need. It’s been a long time since the last time we saw each other but in spite of that it seems that we haven’t seen each other in a long time and trying to catch things. Our talks and laughs when were together seems so normal and nothings change. And I’m glad about it. I cooked pork sinigang for our dinner while she cleaned the house. It’s great working with your friend in a house. Every now and then, she will go to the kitchen and try to taste what I’m cooking. In our home, it’s very often for me to cook since I don’t have much time to do such chores because of my work but I knew how to cook and I’m confident it would be a success. ^_^

Honestly, it’s my idea to cook our dinner. Actually, the budget saving reason behind that cooking was just a secondary reason to me. The main reason why I insist cooking our dinner is because of the thought that my boyfriend will arrive that night. Hehehe.. I just want to prepare food for him. Although, it’s not the romantic type of dinner that everyone may think of, because we’re with my friend in her apartment, but I’m just glad doing such things for him. Part of me still believes in the saying that “ the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.. ^_^ Just as I assume, it was a success, the food was great according to them.

My weekend was great, I was able to have my bonding moment together with my friend and boyfriend at the same time. I hope it would happen again soon.

career change?..

My career has been in a standstill for quite a while now, I no longer get any satisfaction from my work, and maybe it’s time for me to make a career change. Making a career change can be a difficult task and it may feel like I will be turning my life upside down, because I will not do anymore whatever I used to do before but, in the end, I may actually end up turning my life right-side up. It is also possible for me that I could end up with a career that is moving in the right direction -- forward.

Honestly, the number one factor why I was thinking about this is because of the salary I’m getting from my present work. It’s never been enough for sustaining my needs alone, what more to the needs of my family which is my obligation to provide for them. Haaaayzz… It’s been weeks now that my brother was convincing me to get another job, I know his reasons, he had to shoulder most of the responsibilities at home because I can’t help him enough. I understand him well with that. That’s why, I easily gave in with his idea to apply and get another job, although I really don’t know if I can do it. He wants me to try to apply as management trainee in a well-known fast food chain here; he said that it would be better to have a job in operations than being stuck here in the office and without any benefits at all. I know it’s not good for thinking negatively but I doubt myself if I can really make my application with it. But my brother keeps on encouraging me that I can really do it. waaah.. I hate too much expectation from them. On how he said it “kaya mo un!”.. as if he’s really sure about it.

Tomorrow is the day of my application, my brother will go with me there in Ortigas head office, ensuring that I will actually apply there. And maybe to give me some tips, guidance and support.. hahaha.. well, he knows it better than me because he is an assistant manager in another well-known fast food locally and internationally. May the Lord guide me for this.. One more thing, I don’t know what will I tell my boss as an excuse for being absent tomorrow.. haaaayz… He’s too nice to all of us that I can’t bare to lie to him but I have to.. He’s already getting paranoid with the rest of us that we will leave him sooner or later since the day when my co-officemate filed her resignation.

breathe gracie..

My life has been an open book for everyone around me especially to my family and friends. I used to tell them whatever happens to me, that’s why keeping secrets to them is hard for me.

Even to my friends, I feel that I always have to tell them what’s happening to me. But this time maybe because of some circumstances, I don’t know how will I tell them. I know, at this moment some of them notice something but afraid to ask me or maybe they are almost dying now to know what’s happening to me. As of now, I still don’t have the courage to tell them especially in details but I know sooner or later they will ask and needed to know. I’m not comfortable like explaining myself, it was very embarrassing on my part.

There is just one person yet who knows everything, (well, not everything.. ^_^), I didn’t manage to make stories and lie to her. Telling her has been so hard for me, hahaha.. I needed to just email it to her although we’re already chatting that moment, I can’t stand to talk about it directly to her and hear her opinion. But deep in me, although afraid to know what she says about it, I’m still waiting for her to say something about it.. her word is important to me..

With regards to my family, especially them, I know they needed to know. But not now, it’s too early for it. I have to take things slow and easy. These again, will take me a lot of courage. I know, all this time, they’re waiting for this to happen.. hahaha.. but still, I can’t tell them yet, their opinion about it is what I’m afraid most to hear.

haaayzz...

Sometimes things happened in our life not in the way we wanted, expected or planned. I did not intend this to happen to me so soon and fast. I’ve never been so confused in myself and how I feel like this before. It is as if I don’t know anymore what to think and feel. I don’t know anymore if this is me. I used to take things slow and easy, but this time I don’t know anymore what and why did it happen. With a short span of time, I’m willing to take risk and try things to work out even though I don’t really know where I’m up to...

it's been a while..

For these past few weeks, I’ve been thinking on what to write or post here on my blog, unfortunately nothing comes to my mind. It’s been a long time since I made my last post, I’m now thinking if I already lost my passion on writing of my thoughts. I hope not!.. But, in those weeks of contemplating what to write, my interest turns to spending time in reading maybe that’s why I wasn’t able to make anything. I actually read different books everyday which is sometimes confusing on what should I want to finish first.. ^_^ The other day, I just finished reading the third book of Twilight, Eclipse. After reading that, I can’t wait anymore to finally read the fourth book of it which is the Breaking Dawn, unfortunately I can’t do it as of now because I haven’t bought yet that book, that was very upsetting on my part. Then, I indulge myself again into reading other books, I tried to reread again the “Two Table by Nora Roberts”, one of my collections, I’m almost on the latter part of the story when finally my sister brought back my book of “Blood Promise” , the fourth sequel of Vampire Academies. Then in an instant, I set aside reading the book I’ve been reading then started to read the one brought by my sister.

I’m also been busy in work that’s why it took me weeks to post this one. As of now, I’m done reading the “Blood Promise”, and I have to continue reading again the “Two Table”. I hope I would be able to finish it this week and start to write more blogs again.

just a dream..

Last night, I dreamed of him once again. This is the second time I’ve dreamed of him, the last time has been so long. I didn’t think of him last night before I sleep, and it’s been so long since the last time I thought of him. I don’t know why, this dreams helps nothing but leave me confuse. What’s behind that dream? I don’t know if this would help but I managed to seek for an answer through internet, I know how ridiculous this is but I don’t have someone to talk to about this. So here it is:

According to http://www.hyperdictionary.com/dream

“Seeing an old ex-boyfriend from childhood in your dream, refers to a freer, less encumbered relationship. The dream servers to bring you back to a time where the responsibilities of adulthood (or marriage) didn't interfere with the spontaneity of romance. You need to recapture the excitement, freedom, and vitality of youth that is lacking in your present relationship. Dreaming that your ex-boyfriend is giving you advice about your current relationship, suggests that you unconscious is telling you not to repeat the same mistakes that you had made with this ex-boyfriend. Dreaming that you are being massaged by your ex-boyfriend, suggests that you need to let go of some of that defensiveness that you have been putting forth. You may have been putting up a wall or armor around you. You need to learn to trust people again. Dreaming that you ex-boyfriend gives you a stuffed animal, suggests that you are seeking for reassuring and nurturing aspects of a relationship. This is not to imply that you want you ex-boyfriend back. Alternatively, the dream could represent some immature relationship which may (or may not) describe the relationship you had with your ex. Dreaming that you see your ex-boyfriend dressed in a suit at a hospital, suggests that you have come to terms with that relationship and have completed the healing process. “

I don’t think if the other part of the meaning applies to me so I highlighted the one in red which I think could probably applies to me. Anyway, just for the information, our love story never had a closure, maybe at least for me, I don’t know for him.. As I mentioned on my previous blog, I broke up with him without telling him the truth why I made that decision. There are so many unanswered questions within me because of that break up. Some would question me why bother to think of all this, anyway it’s been so long and for the fact that I know practically that I don’t want him anymore back to my life for some reasons, that I want something more to my life which I know that I wouldn’t get if I’m with him but still, I can’t help myself but to think.

Anyway, here is my dream about:

I was with my sister buying something in a store, while waiting for the things we bought I’m also chatting with someone I didn’t know in my dream and the topic of our discussion is that I’m sharing with him my love story with my ex-boyfriend. When suddenly, he came then said these words “kung sana hinde tayo ngkahiwalay d sana hnggang ngayon tayo pa rin, ikaw kc eh”, these words hurt me so much in that dream. After that, he invite me to come with him so that we could talk, my sister let me to come with him, she said anyway we really have to talk to clear things out. We went in his friend’s house, he showed to me how his life has gone by. From there, I saw that his life has not been good. He doesn’t have a stable job and he just live with his friend. From the sight of this, I realized there that that is not the life I wanted if I was with him. Then when he was starting to talk about us, I decided to go and leave once again..

There’s something I realized this morning because of this dream, that even in dreams I’m still afraid to talk about it and one thing for sure I don’t want him anymore in my life if ever our path cross again. I cant give up my dreams in life just for him, that’s why I don’t want to think anymore whatever feelings I may still have for him.

Anyway, it’s just a dream!