Random Thoughts

For several years, I used to ignore what I really want for myself and prioritized my responsibilities to my family. Every time I bought something for myself I used to feel guilty thinking I should've spend it for my family instead.

For the first time in my life, someone made me realized that sometimes having yourself a little importance and letting yourself get what you really want isn’t such a bad idea after all. It’s amazing how it’s fairly easy for her to push me in what I want. Maybe she’s not aware of it, but she really don’t know how much influence she have or how her actions affect mine. Actually, I was a little bit surprised how my mom was happy to know that I gave in for myself and told me that I totally deserved it.

We've been teammates even before when we were still in first touch platform, but we never noticed the existence of each other. Who would have thought that she’ll play an important role in my life? With her, I can be me. She doesn’t have to be rich, brilliant or perfect… just her being that caring, thoughtful and her sense of humor is enough. No dull moment ever when I’m with her.

To the person who was there the first time I was admitted to the hospital, who was always there during my lowest moment cheering me up and still here, who brought out the best in me and to the one who made a big difference in my life without knowing it… Thank you!!!... ^_^

Random Thoughts

"The healthiest homes aren't the ones without problems, the healthiest families are the ones that love each other in the midst of their problems"

I never wished for a perfect family, I never said that I am not grateful for the family I have. They are my strength and my weakness at the same time. I just wished that in the midst of our problems, we could still stay positive and strong enough to handle things, instead of non-stop complaining and blaming each other.

It's no fun of feeling envy or jealous because it makes me feel inadequate and acknowledge what's missing in my life. I can't help not to feel jealous to those people who have a kind of family of somehow close to being perfect. They do have problems too, but they're still able to talk about things and try to fix whatever they are going through. Lack of money was never been a big deal to them, instead they hold on and try to keep the family tight because it's the only thing they have. They're still able to laugh out like there was no tomorrow and they still treat their children like kids, as if they're not growing up, leaving all the pain and mistakes behind.

We do have happy moments too but sometimes when things get rough.. I wish everything was different. It happens over and over again.. and I am so tired of it.

Emergency Room

Last October 29, 2015 at around 1am I was rushed to the Emergency Room due to severe abdominal pain. I was so nervous 'coz it was my first time being admitted in the hospital. Knowing that I don't have any family member with me here in Manila, never thought someone would exert an effort just to stay with me all night in the hospital.

Karen, my roommate, office/teammate, confidante, not just an ordinary friend but more than a friend. What more can I say? I was so overwhelmed to the thought that someone would show so much care for me. She stayed with me from the moment we entered the Emergency Room, while I was being interviewed by nurses and doctors, while the medicines was being injected through my veins as she held my hand. She knew how afraid I was with regards to injections even at my age now.

Luckily, it was just because of hyperacidity but I was advised to observe the level of pain, hoping it's not due to appendicitis. Because of that.. goodbye to coffee, spicy and fatty foods. tsk.. tsk.. :(

We're both exhausted at the time I was finally discharged from the hospital at around 7am due to lack of sleep. Never heard even a single complain from her all night. So thank you so much!!!.. ^_^

#222

Birth Month

November. My birth month. 28 days to go and I'm going 30.

The fact that I'm getting older and all these things running in my head. Honestly, it freaks me out! That feeling like I'm at the edge of a strict timeline, I'm in a situation I can't control and I don't like it.

It's a tough age for us women, you know. So, instead of wallowing out from the thought of getting old, maybe I should try to think the best things of getting 30, surely there is..

Trying to look back for the last 29 years of my life, all those ups and downs, hearbreaks, those times of trying to find myself. For that, I know that I don't have to experience it all again. For that, I know I have learned.

Turning 30, it makes me believe that I am more confident of who I am and what I want. Suddenly, I don't seem to care what might other people say or think about me. It's not being kind of liberating, but I just thought this is my life not theirs.

At this moment, I know what I want for myself and for my family. Maybe I'm still far from what I exactly want, it may take me a few more years but atleast I know I'm still on the right path and I'm still working on it.

When I'm a little younger, I never thought I could have our own house, I never thought I could handle my finances like that. My monthly salary is not that much, but it made me confident enough to say that atleast slowly I am giving the best for them without making myself drowned in debt.

Just because I am turning 30, it doesn't mean I have to live like 60. I know how to have fun and there is always a later time for being an adult. I'm still that same girl trying to find her place in this big world and dreaming that in time everything will fall on its place. :)

Changes

• Traveling Alone.

For the past few months, I've been really really excited about this. I actually made up my plans where to, when and what to do. Suddenly, I am no longer interested and doing it alone. I still want to travel somewhere, but I wanna do it with someone.

• Renting a small place with my sister.

We've talked about this, thinking it's much better for both of us. Lately, she no longer talk about it. She's been busy and happy with her friends at work and especially with his boyfriend. I didn't insist the idea with her anymore, and even if in case she'll open it up again, I don't think I would go for it. I am happy and contented with where I am today.

• Celebrating my Birthday

From the time I got work, I used to celebrate my birthday with friends and family. Going out with friends, mini party at home.. that was me. This time, I want it to celebrate in a different way. I'm still not sure what to do but surely not a party anymore.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes, my mind is such a mess when I'm trying to get a sleep at night. I do a lot of thinking of different things which leads me to overthinking..

These are things my mind usually thinks of..

• I play scenes in my head which I don't know if it's possible to happen.

• I ask myself a lot of questions. 

• I think about all my endless "what ifs"

• I think about all the people I love and loved. 

• I think about all the people I miss.

• I think about all the people I hate and miss at the same time. 

• I think about my plans for the next day.

• I think about my dreams, where I am today, or am I closer to it as of now?

• I think of all the things I want to do alone for a change, but having a second thought if I can really do it. 

Working in a BPO Industry

Why does some people raised eyebrows about working in a BPO industry like it was a bad thing?

http://wikipidea.org
Business process outsourcing (BPO) is a subset of outsourcing that involves the contracting of the operations and responsibilities of a specific business process to a third-party service provider.

Okay, I understand everyone has dreamed or expected that they would eventually get a job that fits what they had studied back in college or preferably somewhat related to their degree of fields. There's nothing wrong about that, by the way! But, I think it's not right to denigrate those working in BPO industry without knowing what it feels like and the perks of working there.

I've been working in two different BPO companies for almost seven years now. I may not be in my dream job or something I am passionate to work with, but how many of us have come to land in their dream job? I am not the only one.. Ironically, most of the population of those who works in BPO are those young adult who reacted differently or those children of parents who raised eyebrows regarding this. Anyway, I didn't write this to rant, I'm writing this post so some people might understand.

It is not just a singular skill based job like some people thought it was. It is not just answering phone calls or processing transactions. Mind you, it is one of the toughest and high-pressured job. Everyday, we have targets to meet and sometimes we are ask to render overtime in order to pull the given targets. We cannot let our customers and clients down. As for me being in a medical field account, there's always someone else's life at stake behind every claim I have to process.

Several international companies are finding ways how to lower operational costs without sacrificing quality of service delivery, BPO is the solution they had. We cannot deny the mere fact that it's growing industry contributes a lot to our economy. And since most of these companies offers competitive compensation package and benefits, it is the job that provides food to most of the families now and made their life more easier. It led some people closer to their dreams or even made it possible. It offers personality and career development programs – depending on the area you are interested in – all for free, something you can't get when you're working in other private companies or government agencies.

And if you just play your cards right while working in a BPO company, who know's where you'll be in the near future? Maybe it's time to think that working in this industry is not bad at all!.. Hope this helps!.. :)

Ms. Independent Me

Who would have thought I could do it on my own? I doubt it myself too.

Before, I always wanted to try to live by myself but I never had the chance to really do it or shall I say I don't have the courage to do it back then. I was so used to my mama who's always there beside me and attending to all my needs, even when I started working. My sister would always tease me how will I survive if mama was not there, that I'm sarap-buhay type.. Everyday, I woke up in the morning with my breakfast ready and my clothes to wear was neatly folded or hanged, that all I have to do is get up and ready for work. Surely, I know how to cook simply because I have interest in cooking that's why I learned how to at an early age. But when it comes to washing clothes, that's a big NO, NO for me. They would always tell me that eventually I'll get married and will have my own family that's why I have to learn it. Bottomline is, I am too dependent to my mama. 

Sometimes, we really don't know what we're capable of until the situation led us to it or left us with no choice.

It's been almost two years since my family transferred to our new home in Cavite, and since then I've been living on my own in Manila. Well, I'm not technically alone because I am with friends and I still go home once in a while.. but the idea of I get to do everything by myself and no one to depend on most of the time was actually thrilling and amazing.

At first, it was really hard. I have to alot extra time everyday when going to work. I have to prepare my clothes to wear, preparing food, making sure I got all the things I need and didn't forget anything before leaving (coz' I usually forget things I have to bring and mama will always remind this and that). During weekends that I wasn't able to go home I have to wash my own clothes (take note: by handwash!), it was really really tiring! Not just my poor hands but my whole body was aching, that feeling of I really need a good body massage after. But after that, it was really great that I was able to pull it off! It may seem like just a little thing for some, but for me it was an accomplishment.. knowing that some people around me had doubts and told me right in my face that I can't.

When Boredom Strikes.. :)

My long weekend has been prolonged more than I expected, I was on sick leave since Sept. 02 due to conjunctivitis. So, instead of stressing myself when will my eyes get well fully, I'll take this as a chance to get all the sleep I want or need, which has been deprived to us for the past four months being on a night shift schedule. As what my friend said, consider it as being in a "staycation" only just at home not in some fancy hotels. Well atleast I got myself rest for a while and free from all the stress from work.

This is what happened when boredom strikes.. played my camera phone and took some selfies.. hahahaha.. :))

Things about Book Lovers

Some people never understand my fondness on reading a book. I even found myself keeping secret when buying books, making sure the price tag was neatly removed and receipts were put in trash.. it's because I had these feeling some people may not understand me spending money on books when there are more other things to be priorized or more valuable than it.

Here are the list I think only book lovers would understand..

• We know the uniqueness of a book.

We know it will always be different than any other movie adaptation. It's not that we want to criticize those movies, we know that they had put a lot of work for that. They would never understand our disappointment when our expectations wasn't met after watching the movie knowing we had read the book.

• Having a hard copy. 

Nowadays, reading any books you want is so easy thru ebooks, ipad, kindle, etc. I admit, I've been a fan of ebooks for some time, as my budget limits me from buying books most of the time. But the feeling of having a hard copy in your hand, the smell of the paper while reading.. oh that's different!

• Creating you own world when reading a good book.

We don't want to be interrupted when we're into it. We'll use every minute we could have just to continue reading it, some may say it's like an addiction more like a hobby.

• Having attachment to characters.

We feel the emotions of the characters. We laugh and cry as they do. We feel so connected just by reading, like they were really true people like us. There are times that we get too emotionally involved.

• Finishing a book was harder than starting.

We're having a book hangover after reading wishing it had never end, that means sleepless nights, overthinking and sometimes trying to read it again.

• Having a good book makes a perfect weekend.

Perfect weekend doesn't have to go out of town or night outs. We can go different places any time as our imagination is limitless. But that doesn't mean we can't or doesn't want to go out.

• OCD when in comes to our books.

We want our books neatly covered like books sent by teachers that were required to cover. We tend to think twice when someone wants to borrow books from us because we're worried they won't take care our books like we do. We worry too much wondering if they would ever return it, would it be in a good condition when they return it or if they were still okay in someone else's hands. We don't want any dirt, fold or even a small crumple on it's pages.

• Bookstores are our shopping malls.

We enjoy spending hours in bookstores browsing every shelves without getting tired like some would do in their favorite shops. We're close to getting crazy, so confused which book to buy like any shopaholics do.

I'm sure some book lover out there can relate to this.. :)

Wish I could let go just like that..

If only I could do it in just snap or just after reading any article about letting go of resentment, then I'll be very, very happy.. really!

No one wants to be a slave of any negative feelings towards other. Our emotions is something beyond our control. We can't force ourselves into something we're not ready yet or shall I say into something our hearts doesn't want to. No matter what other people say or how much we knew how to, we'll never be able to overcome it until ourselves do it willingly on it's own. As the old saying goes, "time heals all wounds." So I guess, I'd rely on that..

I don't know if what I'm doing is right but all I know is, this is what I need right now. I just know that I need to distance myself, so I won't be stressing myself everytime we meet, so I don't need to pretend like nothing is wrong.. I'm so done in pretending.. I need some peace of mind for a while.. though, I don't know how long would it take. I just hope time will come I'll be ready to face them again with all my heart.

I don't know either if what I thought or believed is right. I'm not sure if everything I'm doing now is worth it, or will it fix everything..

I know it's possible that it maybe too late to save what we had before, the time I am free from all these resentments I am feeling now. Maybe now I am blaming certain people why it happened and why I am feeling this.. but maybe someday I'll be blaming myself for letting it happen and for giving up the friendship we had. It's what I have to risk.

Maybe I care too much that's why I got hurt this much... Maybe I should try harder but I chose to give up and cut you out of my life. I'm sorry... :(

The Middle Child

I'm the third child in the family, in between my older brother and sister, and two younger brothers next to me.

When we were young, we are often compared to my older brother though maybe not intentionally. He was the smart one, one of the favorites of the teachers, always on the top section, the one who actively participates in different extra-curricular activities in school (member of the school dance group, chess tournament, member of art club, etc.)

My older sister was a different story. She was the bubbly, more outgoing person, with many friends and I was just a shadow of her, who always follow her wherever she is because I have no one close to my age in the neighborhood when I was a kid. That's why, I know how to spend my time even when I'm alone.

My two younger brothers were the baby the of the family when they came. They were given the special attention and treatment.

Things changed when we grow up. As years go by, I've watched them as they mess up with their life and then trying to stand again. I've seen my parents in pain with every mistakes they've done. Bearing witness of it all, it made me too cautious not to make the same mistakes. I know better... I found myself feeling like I'm too young to be so serious in life and too old to just play around.

So with that, this is what I have to say...

To my siblings, 

I hope you understand when most of the time I'm acting like I'm the eldest among us.. when I'm speaking with authority like I should have the final say with everything, it's not being bossy you know.. when I'm sending text messages to all of you telling you this do's and dont's, or what we should do as a family.. it's because I think I know better and no one else among you have the courage or even initiate to say those or act like an adult.. 

I'm sorry if there are times I am too stubborn or I gets annoyed easily... you should understand that I'm not in a good mood at all times especially when the thought of some of you are too laid back and forgetting our responsibilities.. while I am too busy thinking what to do and what's best for us. 

I barely give myself a priority before anything else, it's always been our family first. So when I ask you to understand me to spare me once in a while, please understand me.. 

Please don't get me wrong..

Tribute

Janet Hardy was a Hollywood legend - glamorous, brilliant and deeply troubled - and she died in mysterious circumstances at her home, Little Farm. As her granddaughter Cilla McGowan moves into the rundown farmhouse, determined to restore it to its former glory, she finds herself dreaming of the grandmother she never really knew and wondering exactly what happened in her past.

As Cilla grows ever closer to her neighbour Ford Sawyer, she slowly begins to unravel her family secrets. But someone else in the community wants Cilla to leave the past alone, and she becomes the targets of increasingly brutal acts. Together with Sawyer, she must find out who is threatening her - and what they're trying so hard to protect...

Yes, I am currently in a state of book hang over! ugh! That's the problem I have to face everytime I finished reading a book. So I figured, I should let this out of my head than staying up all night, staring at the ceiling, wondering what could've have happen if the story went long more than it was.. I wanted more.. I'm not saying I don't like how it ended, it ended so well. It's just that I wanted the details, I wanted to know what happens next after unraveling the truth behind the death of Janet Hardy. What happened to those people that caused her death, did they pay the price? I hope so, just to give her the justice she deserved and for all the emotional pain they gave to Cilla due to the brutal threats they've done to her. I wanted to know if the relationship of Cilla to her Mom got better after that. I still have a lot of questions in mind but I think I'll be a spoiler if in case someone who want to read it accidentally read my blog. Although I already did a little.. :)

Maybe it was just me being silly thinking about it when actually there is really nothing to think of, maybe once again I am so wrapped up with the book I've just finished, so does my overthinking was working..

All the while I was lost thinking who's the killer. Trying to pinpoint to all the characters who might be. I actually thought the worst, what if Ford Sawyer was involved too, trying to deceive her.. hahaha.. silly!

To Travel Alone

I've never tried traveling alone. When I was young the thought of traveling alone makes me scared, thinking if it's safe to be in an unfamiliar place and be with unfamiliar people especially if you're a girl. Nowadays, numbers of women traveling alone are growing fast. This means women today are more confident to go out from their comfort zone. Going solo in a place you've never been to is a perfect confidence booster, the fact that you have no one to rely on to but yourself. It's best way to have your ME time, a time to think, reflect and discover yourself. So with that, I'd like to try, I guess I'll start here in our local places and of course budget-friendly for me to materialize my plans. I'm planning to do it on my birthday, something opposite to the way I celebrated my birthdays before. Few months to go and I'm crossing my finger on it.. :)

Random Thoughts..

Do you ever feel so out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong. That sometimes you'd rather lock yourself up in your room and just listen to loud music. Sometimes, you wanna go somewhere far away from everyone you know, explore some place you haven't been to and try to figure things out on your own.

I get along well with everybody, it's just that sometimes I'm thinking that even if they hang out with me, laugh with me, talk with me.. does it mean they're really there for me? Even if they showed interest in your life, does it mean they're really after your story, they're really willing to listen, they'd just like to sympathize, or they're just there to have something to talk about. Not everybody around us is our friend. Sometimes, though you're hanging out with someone for quite some time, there's still an awkward or uncomfortable feeling like there is an invisible gap between you.

I don't know.. Am I just over analyzing things around me? Or am I just missing my old friends... my true friends! Those people I'm comfortable with, being with them with no pretensions and hesitations, and just be ME.

An Open Letter to my Ex-friend

To my ex-friend,

We've been friends since college. There was never a dull moment with you, you were fun to be with. We understand each other so well even before we speak our mind. You were there when I had my major heartbreak back then. You didn't offer any advice instead you let me enjoy and have fun even for a while, we went to movie dates together, we even went to amusement park and enjoy the whole day just like kids do.  You were always there to calm me down every time I cried because of some family matters, you know how it feels because you're also a breadwinner like me. We were that close, even before we started hanging out again with our other barkadas from college. You got your own house to the same subdivision where I got mine, making our families connected like us.

We started hanging out more often when you started dating that guy. It's your way of balancing your time to all of us. Eventually, we became friends with your boyfriend. We had a lot of bonding moments together, out of town trips, movie dates, chitchats, etc. Things between us were so perfect that I can't imagine my life without you as my friend.

It all changed when your guy started making a pass on me. At first, I tried to ignore it and kept it secret because I don't want to make a big deal out of it, thinking it was because of the alcohol as he usually do it when he's a little tipsy or drunk. And I was afraid, it will just make things worst and complicated if I let you know it, hurting you in the process. Maybe it wasn't meant to be kept secret, the day I've been scared about came. I will never forget that day, we had a little argument, asking me why I didn't tell you before, you're so devastated and confused because you didn't know what to do, you were ashamed of him of what he did to me, but then you don't wanna lose him. You said you were sorry and you didn't want to lose me either. I didn't give you the option to choose me instead of him, but when life gives you the option, boyfriend or a friend, I always thought you will choose the friend. You said you believed my side of story, but you were acting different after that, your actions betrays your words. You started prying at me, as if you were trying to get me caught flirting with your guy, without you knowing I knew it all the while. You made that call, that's how we end. We started to drift apart. You noticed how I slowly cut you out of my life, because I was truly hurt. You tried to reach out again, but I guess it all ends there. I'm sorry if I can't forget and forgive just like that although it's been over two years ago. I really, really missed you but then I can't let you in again in my life without me remembering what happened to us and hurting myself in the process.

Paper Towns

Paper Towns, a film adaptation of the 2008 novel by John Green. I've never read the book so I really had no idea when I watched the movie.

It's not the kind of a movie you'd like to watch over and over again, but certainly it will make you think about people... about life.

"Here's what's not beautiful about it: from here, you can't see the rust or cracked paint or whatever, but you can tell how fake it all is. It's not even hard enough to be made out of plastic. It's a paper town. I mean look at it, look at it all those cul-de-sacs, those streets that turn in in themselves, all the houses that were built to fall apart. All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail, and all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters."

The story tackles about friendship, young love, people and living your life to the fullest. It teaches us about how we see people, that sometimes people sees people just how they wanted to be or wanted to believed in. That sometimes, people are different than we actually think they are. That from a distance, you can't see the flaws of someone or of a society, that only when you look up closely you'll understand why and how. Just like the character of Margo, at first you'll think of her as an ordinary teenage girl who's adventurous, mysterious, kick-ass girl, or even an attention seeker because of what she does in her life. Truth is, she's just a girl filled with unhappiness and dissappointment of her life, to the point of she can't held any second to stay and just wanted to run away. An ordinary girl, and also a human being who happens to have made a real difference to Quentin's life, teaching him in a different way of living his life to the fullest, that there's more to life than just living in his comfort zone and being anxious most of the time.

I'm just tired..

I am tired not for the lack of sleep or rest.. I am exhausted, fatigued by life and despair.. I am so worn down by the world that nothing can refresh my mind from constant whining about how hard life is..

No one said LIFE would be easy.. but then I can't blame them either why are they behaving like that..

Was it my fault why we are living like this? Did I made the wrong decision to prioritize having our own house? What's the good of living the dream of having your own, when in return I just made their life more miserable than what it already is? At the end of the road, will any of these be worth it?

I don't know what to do now.. My head is aching and I think my chest will explode any moment from all the emotions I've kept inside. I want to burst in tears until it runs dry..

I am tired... and no matter how I sleep, there will be no enough hours of sleep for the type of rest I need now...

I'm not sure if I'm depressed or I'm just sad.. I'm not sad at all times, I can still smile and laugh during the day.. but I'm not happy either.. Sometimes I don't know how to feel especially during these moments..

What if?

"What" and "if" are non-threatening words just like any words, but when use as "what if" then it would have the power to haunt your mind.. more or less your LIFE.

You'll start thinking about those "what if's" over and over again, despite knowing that at the present time it wouldn't do any good at all, it wouldn't solve anything.. that it's non-sense to think about it because it's too late. All it do to you is that you get stuck to all those "what if's"..

Most of us have those "what ifs" kept inside. We're too scared to let other people know about it, because it makes us look weak and vulnerable.. and we don't want that, right?

Well, I also have those too.. but I don't dwell to much to those because as I say, it's non-sense. But then, when having a quiet moment of myself, when I'm alone, when I can't sleep at night.. that's when random thoughts starts running in my head about my life, that's when those "what ifs" starts questioning again even if I don't want.

What if? What if? What if?

Questions that maybe no one will ever know the answer.. that maybe it was never meant to be answered.. Or maybe if ever you'll have the chance to do something that may answer those "what ifs", will you have the courage to do so? Will you have the courage to face the answer?..

random thoughts...

Two years ago, I remember how excited I was while signing all the necessary documents when I bought that house. I was nervous at the same time back then, thinking if I was really ready for that since I was the one who'll be paying it and the payment would be long term, thinking if it was the perfect time to pursue that goal. I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes when I finally said yes I was going to do it, thinking that there is no such perfect time, that if I keep waiting for that perfect time when will I'll be ready for that, then nothing would happen and I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything ever. I was happy to see that finally we'll be having our own house.

I've gone through a lot before moving in, all my monthly income, incentives and bonuses went through that, I even filed loans just to be able to cover all the expenses for the painting of the walls, ceilings, for finishing up the floors, etc. etc.. Now it's been a year since we transferred to our new home in Cavite. It's not easy, we're still keeping up, the life in renting a small house in Manila and now that I am paying monthly  for our own house is different. There were times that I'm being skeptical for my decision to buy that house especially when I look into my parents having a hard time. It's hard because I can't depend on my other siblings to cover all our expenses. Most of them had their own family, although my sister was helping, it's still not enough. There were times, I felt like I was left alone to deal with this responsibility. I hate that feeling that I wasn't doing well to make their life more easier. Lots of "what ifs" are running through my head.

No one knows what would happen in the coming years, but I'm still hoping that things would be different and with God's guidance, time will come everything will be okay.

Walk away, move forward and never look back..

It's been my home for over a year. That house was full of memories of ours.. our laughters when we are in joy, our non-sense chitchats and just having fun, our food trips, our late night chillax with a beer, lots of food and videoke, our non-stop dramas.. All was perfect for the three of us, like it was going to be forever. That's what I thought...

God knows how I tried to forget everything and pretend like nothing happened. But I became too tired of pretending and hoping that everything's gonna be okay like it was before. I just need to walk away from people I loved and hated at the same time. Every corner of the house keeps remind me all the hurt, pain and anger I kept for so long. It was the only silent witness who saw it all..

I just really need to walk away, move forward and never look back..

To the siblings who owned the house, I have nothing to say but thank you. They've been my second family when I was away from mine.. I'm gonna miss my friend for sure, she's out from all of this but I really have to..

Open Book

Sometimes it is much easier to be an open book to your friend than to your family. Sharing stories, your emotions, and even discussing sensitive issues are very rare moments with me and my sister. So, because of the long weekend I had the opportunity to open myself to her. We talked a lot of things while dipping in the inflatable pool last night, while having a shower together which is the very first time and while having manicure and pedicure tonight. In a way, it made me feel more comfortable to open such things to her and vice-versa. I think it bridged the gap between us, just when we thought we really knew each other well, truth is we still have a lot of things we didn't know about each other...

Feel the heat of summer!.. :)

Feeling the heat of summer? Can't go to the beach? Why not indulge yourself to have fun and go dip in an inflatable pool just like what kids do. :)

Large inflatable swimming pool are great alternatives if you can't go to the beach resort or in some conventional swimming pools during summer. But before that, everyone should consider the safety of the children so it's not advisable to let the children swmming alone, there should always have the supervision of any adults in the family to avoid any accidents.

So instead of getting bored baby sitting my niece and nephew while they play in the water, we indulged ourselves playing with them. Non-stop swimming during afternoons and evenings before going to sleep to ease the heat! A very well spent long weekend!.. :)

In time..

You know when someone's been truly hurt if they decide to ignore someone no matter how that person tried reaching out to you.

Friendship or any other kind of relationship is like a glass that's been broken, no matter how much you wanted to fix the crack it will never be the same again. All this anger I felt was bottled up inside me. I know the fact that if you hold on to much to anger it's not the person you are giving burden to, but yourself, you don't feel any peace at all.

Maybe I wasn't angry at all with my friend, I am angry of what happened, I am angry because she choose to love that jerk who is responsible why our friendship has been broken, I am angry because we have to loose something great, I am angry because they moved on and that jerk was acting like he did nothing wrong, enjoying every second of his life with my friend, smiling like saying right in my face that he wins. I am angry because I was left behind with all this anger and pain.

I miss my friend..really! I miss the old days, the laughters, chats, bonding moments, out of town trips, everything... We've been friends since college and we lost it in just one snap. I was hurt and I know she was hurt too.. She tried reaching out in anyway she could but to no avail. I pushed her out of my life to avoid the chances of seeing her with him and because I don't want to pretend anymore in front of other people like nothing happened.

It was over two years ago, but until now I find myself crying over what we had to loose because of that jerk, crying over how it made me feel, how I felt betrayed because I know deep within her she has doubts to me because she choosed to believe him.

I wasn't ready to forgive him..anyway he acts like he was innocent. Maybe in time I would, but I will never forget what happened and how it made me feel.

God is in Heaven

Presenting my 2-year old nephew, actually he's turning three next month. I am so used to his always so hyper-energy, naughty and witty presence in our home. He was just there staring out in the night sky in my window, non-stop talking as always while I'm cleaning my room when I overheard him saying that God is in Heaven, speaking to Him believing that He really can see Him and hear him. He was asking God if He could come out from Heaven because he wanted to see Him. I was in a bad mood but hearing him saying that, to think that he was just a child, a baby for us..it really brightens out my day. :)

A child's heart is really pure of innocence, full of happiness and hopes. Most people are afraid to face God, thinking they are not ready yet and so scared how will they be measured on how they behaved. And it's amazing hearing from a child that he was so excited to see God.

Thank you God, You really have your ways talking to me and making me happy just when I thought I'll be sleeping in a bad mood tonight.. :)

God Bless everyone!!

Back Home

It has been quiet for a while here in My thoughts in Bare and it was my decision I made. I thought moving into another blog site is much more exciting and I could continue what I have started here, but then it turns out I'm wrong. Yes, I still post blog there but it's quite different, not as much comfortable as I am before when I'm writing here. Suddenly, blogging has become boring to me. Most of the time, I found myself just browsing other people's blog.

Here, I have always said exactly what's going on in my mind and in my heart without any hesitations because I never thought someone I know would ever read whatever I post here, and if there is, I would know it because there are just certain people I know who knows about this. Blogging has been supporting me in some ways, and I found this place so valuable that it really gives me that comfortable feeling as if I'm really talking to someone so close to me.

So with that, I realize to go back blogging here.. :)

thoughts..

Sometimes, she really is an annoying little s*** !!..

Maybe she should stop being sarcastic and act like her age as she should be, if she don't like being told what to do. I hate confrontations, we're not children anymore. But if she keep acting like that, I can't promise I'll always have the patience and be calm. I hate acting like the older one instead of the other way around.. haaays..

The Longest Ride

Disclaimer: this is definitely not a movie review.. :)

Had watched the movie "The Longest Ride" last weekend. Unlike any other movie adaptation of Nicholas Sparks novels, this time I missed reading this book. Usually, when you happen to read the book first before watching any movie adaptation, you tend to compare it differences and how the story goes. So, good thing about it is that my mind was just focus on the movie while watching it. 

"Love requires sacrifice ALWAYS.. but it's worth it"

Just a thought... how would you know if it's worth it? Would you have enough courage to take a risk to sacrifice anything or everything for LOVE? What if you sacrificed everything for the love you believed in, then at the end it's really not worth it after all? How would you know how far would you go for LOVE? It's like wanting to work something out without knowing if it would really work. 

"We shared the longest ride, this thing called LIFE" 

"That ride, you only need 8 minutes but that girl she may be your entire life" - (not sure if it's the exact words but it's the thought as I remember it) :)

Two stories of LOVE in two different time, both teaches us about life and love. Once again, Nicholas Sparks didn't failed me!.. :)) 

To my Mom...

Happy Birthday to my ever dearest mama!.. I may not be able to give you the best birthday today, but I hope you know how much I love you.. How much I'm trying to give you what you deserved. I may not be even close to my dreams for you and papa right now, but I'm trying. May you continue to stay strong enough to handle every struggle we may face and stay sweet to all of us no matter how we grow old. I love you mama no matter what we go through and no matter how much we argue at times. Thank you for everything!..