a tragedy

Two days after the horror storm “Ondoy”, while the Philippine authorities are still busy to the rescue operations and humanitarian assistance to those victims, I realized today how lucky I am and my family because we’re not one of them. Although, I also have to struggle to cross thigh-level floods and be stranded just to get home and that our workplace and the area where we live was also affected by floods, we’re still fortunate compare to those people who lost not just their homes but their loved ones.

In times like this, Filipinos shows that bayanihan spirit still lives in each of us, no matter what’s their position in life, even the ordinary people, rich and famous artist tried to help in any way not just in monetary terms. Sad to say, those people that should be expected to be more helpful to those in need are not present during these. Anyway, it will be good to all of us especially those unfortunate victims of “Ondoy”, if we all pray for each in everyone to recover from this tragedy and stop blaming others of what happened.

so upset..

At last, we’re already done in the 10^th year anniversary celebration of the company. I must say that it was a success! We almost filled the whole coliseum and the guests enjoyed the show. Prior to the event, we noticed that our immediate boss which is the marketing manager of the company was already stressed and depressed at the same time. We always hear him say all his complains in relation to the whole preparation for the event, because of this we have the slight idea what was going on.

During the event, in spite of being busy and tired because we’re part of the marketing team, we still managed to enjoy the show. We didn’t know that after all the success and enjoyment that night, there’s a bad news waiting to explode on us.

Last night, we had a meeting, my boss relay to us the reason of his depression and stress the whole time. He said that he knows we will be hurt of it, but he just want for us to know the truth. Prior to the event, he received unkind text messages from the big boss, it was full of complains & blames on our part to the extent of doubting our capabilities as a marketing team if we really can handle our job, specifically me. This is the exact words from the text messages she sent “ask your secretary if she can handle her job?” These words hurt me so much the moment I heard it from my boss, to the point of I didn’t manage to control myself that I burst out into tears in front of my co-officemates in marketing department. I’m so sensitive and stupid last night, I shouldn’t let them see I cried just because of it!!.. Up to now, I’m still hurting, those words keep on rumbling in my ears, as if I am so incompetent to my job. My boss told me that I shouldn’t be crying over it, and I shouldn’t bother myself thinking about it because he knows my capabilities well and he knows that it’s not my fault and I didn’t do any wrong. I know to myself, that I did my job. Is it unfair to put all the blame to us? In the first place, it’s not our fault if most of the guests made a reply to the RSVP very late. It’s not our fault why there are ample of tickets left.

She didn’t know the words appreciation, she just took for granted all the efforts made by her staffs. For her, she’s not satisfied of what we did. During the event, we never heard her acknowledge the managers, to think that these people served the company ever since and they are the ones who really contributed to the growth of the company. It’s okay to us if she didn’t acknowledge us, but these people including my boss deserves more than a simple thank you. She just learned to congratulate my boss the day after the event, after she heard some good comments from her friends regarding the success of the show.

Perhaps, I must also understand her that maybe she is also stressed of the upcoming event, she worries too much whether it would be a success.

In fairness to my immediate boss, he treats us well, from a short period of time I worked here in this company, he never treats us as one of his subordinates, it is as if we’re on the same level. All along, he tried to protect us.

The Library

September 12, 2009, in spite of hard rain that night, me and my cousins went to “The Library”, a comedy bar located in Malate. It’s my first time to go in a comedy bar. It’s a bonding moment with my cousins, especially my cousin with his girlfriend who came from Australia. We see them once a year, that’s why we want to make the most of our time together, although, I’m having a “nose bleed” during our conversation, hehehe… I tried to communicate well to them. In fairness to it, they do understand me.. hehehe..

Back to the “The Library”, we enjoyed being there, it’s fun! The stand-up comedians are good although most of their jokes are “green jokes”, and of course what do you expect in a comedy bar, most of their performers are gay but they’re all good. The singers are excellent, I wonder how they do it easily.. being relax while singing in high tune. I wish I also have that kind of voice.. hehehe.. I ignored my drink, I’m just focus on the performances in the stage while eating some finger foods.. :) Anyway, I don’t intend to be drunk that night..

nonsense..

I don’t know if this is regret for what I have done years ago or just curious.. what if I’d given him another chance, what if I opened it all to him, what if I tried to know the truth first before I say it’s over, what if.. haaay.. so many “what if’s… what happen next after all that what if’ s?..

I know it’s nonsense to think about it again, it’s been years ago, I don’t why after all those years when I thought I’m done with him, then suddenly all thoughts of him, of what happened runs into my mind haunting me all over again… As I said, it’s nonsense and hopeless.. the last thing I know about him is that he’s already married, no not married because they’re just living together, I mean, he’s living with the girl because he got her pregnant. It’s absurd to think that when I first hear the news, his friend told me that he’s getting me as one of the “ninangs” of his child, although I never really think about it would happen.. but lucky for me, I never have to be in a an awkward situation with them because the girl had a miscarriage.

Anyway, maybe it’s all my fault why it all happened to us, because I never let him speak with me. I just left him hanging, wondering what happen to us, why the sudden change of my mind. I wasted all his efforts he’d done to win me back or even just simply talk to me, to clear things out. I’m a type of person that is afraid to show how I am feeling, afraid for everybody around me especially those people close to me that I am hurting, afraid that they will think how stupid I am or will they take pity on me, that’s why just because of rumors (rumors because up to now I never had a chance to know the truth, because of his stupid friends), I just let him go, I didn’t let him know how I am hurting the moment I heard it from his friends, I lied to him why I didn’t want him anymore… After that, it became impossible to me to make friends with him even if he asked for it. It took years for me to have a talk with him, but neither of our talks cleared things out of our past. Maybe I’m still afraid to know the truth, that I am wrong! Besides, it’s too late, our lives change, we have different paths now.. he has his family although he lost his child and I’m not sure If they were still together, I never want to know it either. I don’t want to engage myself in a complicated situations, my life is already complicated to add it.

I don’t know why I am still wasting my time thinking and writing about it, maybe this is just my way to let it out in me, because no one will understand me, no one knows what happened years ago.

Sometimes, even if I don't intend to think about him, he just slips in my mind, thinking, how is he, where is he?.. My mind tells me that I’m already over with him, we’re done and I agree with it long time ago.. but now, I'm not sure anymore, I'm confused...

And if ever we're given a chance to talk again, I don't think it's right to talk about it again..

All of this is nonsense.. :(