What if?

"What" and "if" are non-threatening words just like any words, but when use as "what if" then it would have the power to haunt your mind.. more or less your LIFE.

You'll start thinking about those "what if's" over and over again, despite knowing that at the present time it wouldn't do any good at all, it wouldn't solve anything.. that it's non-sense to think about it because it's too late. All it do to you is that you get stuck to all those "what if's"..

Most of us have those "what ifs" kept inside. We're too scared to let other people know about it, because it makes us look weak and vulnerable.. and we don't want that, right?

Well, I also have those too.. but I don't dwell to much to those because as I say, it's non-sense. But then, when having a quiet moment of myself, when I'm alone, when I can't sleep at night.. that's when random thoughts starts running in my head about my life, that's when those "what ifs" starts questioning again even if I don't want.

What if? What if? What if?

Questions that maybe no one will ever know the answer.. that maybe it was never meant to be answered.. Or maybe if ever you'll have the chance to do something that may answer those "what ifs", will you have the courage to do so? Will you have the courage to face the answer?..

random thoughts...

Two years ago, I remember how excited I was while signing all the necessary documents when I bought that house. I was nervous at the same time back then, thinking if I was really ready for that since I was the one who'll be paying it and the payment would be long term, thinking if it was the perfect time to pursue that goal. I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes when I finally said yes I was going to do it, thinking that there is no such perfect time, that if I keep waiting for that perfect time when will I'll be ready for that, then nothing would happen and I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything ever. I was happy to see that finally we'll be having our own house.

I've gone through a lot before moving in, all my monthly income, incentives and bonuses went through that, I even filed loans just to be able to cover all the expenses for the painting of the walls, ceilings, for finishing up the floors, etc. etc.. Now it's been a year since we transferred to our new home in Cavite. It's not easy, we're still keeping up, the life in renting a small house in Manila and now that I am paying monthly  for our own house is different. There were times that I'm being skeptical for my decision to buy that house especially when I look into my parents having a hard time. It's hard because I can't depend on my other siblings to cover all our expenses. Most of them had their own family, although my sister was helping, it's still not enough. There were times, I felt like I was left alone to deal with this responsibility. I hate that feeling that I wasn't doing well to make their life more easier. Lots of "what ifs" are running through my head.

No one knows what would happen in the coming years, but I'm still hoping that things would be different and with God's guidance, time will come everything will be okay.

Walk away, move forward and never look back..

It's been my home for over a year. That house was full of memories of ours.. our laughters when we are in joy, our non-sense chitchats and just having fun, our food trips, our late night chillax with a beer, lots of food and videoke, our non-stop dramas.. All was perfect for the three of us, like it was going to be forever. That's what I thought...

God knows how I tried to forget everything and pretend like nothing happened. But I became too tired of pretending and hoping that everything's gonna be okay like it was before. I just need to walk away from people I loved and hated at the same time. Every corner of the house keeps remind me all the hurt, pain and anger I kept for so long. It was the only silent witness who saw it all..

I just really need to walk away, move forward and never look back..

To the siblings who owned the house, I have nothing to say but thank you. They've been my second family when I was away from mine.. I'm gonna miss my friend for sure, she's out from all of this but I really have to..