if only..

I remember, someone asked me this, "if given a chance, what superpower do you want to have?".. back then, I answered I wish I had the power to teleport into different places in an instant, so that I would have the opportunity to travel into places I've never been anytime I want and without expenses needed. But now, I realize that's not what I want anymore. Now I wish I had the power to manipulate things that happened or could happen. If only I could turn back time and change things to make it better, I would. If only, I could foresee the future so that I would know if something bad will happen.. so that I can change it or avoid it beforehand.

But this is impossible.. this is the reality, what's done is done. We can never bring back the past no matter how we want it badly. That there are some things in our life that's beyond our control.

Anyway, the important thing is now. Now is the time to learn from the past and make better things. Yes, it's easy to say it than do it, but thinking of it is a good start.

lessons learned..

- not all we want is worth the risk
- sometimes, we need to push ourselves too much to realize our limits
- never let someone hurt you twice, if he had done it once, it's bound to happen again.. Once is enough to learn..
- giving someone a second chance is exposing yourself to be hurt again because no matter what he do to you you'll just accept him over and over again..
- it's not wrong to love yourself more
- there's no such thing as give and take in a relationship, it's more on give, give and give..until your heart voluntarily quits.
- it's true that a bastard is always a bastard!
- reality is, it's not always like a fairytale. sometimes, it's just an illusion created for you to believe that there is a happy ending.
- don't refuse to see the signs when it's already showing you that everything is going on the wrong direction
- and most of all, somebody may leave you but true friends never will..

another nonsense..

There are two kinds of person that exists here in the world,  the first one are those who fooled people and the other one are those who are fooled. I know that, just as good and bad guys exist. But then, I just can't believe that those people, the first one I mentioned, really do exist. I just can't believe how come it seems so easy for them to hurt people, to let someone hope for something that will never happen, to believe and trust them, then afterwards leaving that someone wounded. Don't they have conscience?..  Don't they know how to play fair?..

I don't want to think that he's that kind of person. I don't want to believe it. I still want to believe that there is good in him, that it's not his intention, that he really cares for me but then it's just not enough.. that's why things didn't happen the way I wanted..

Sometimes, I wish I can make him feel how much pain he caused me. That I can make revenge for what he did, to get even with him.. but then, if that's the case, would it change a thing even a little?.. Would it ease the pain?.. I think not.. And I don't think I can do it to him..

the right thing..

In making choices in our life, they say that we do have two options, doing the right thing or doing the good thing. When I first heard this, i thought it was a little bit confusing.. what's the difference?.. 

Doing the right thing means you do it because that's the way it should be. It is when your mind supersedes your heart. When we say doing the good thing, it is for the best not just for your own good but to others too. 

You will always see what's wrong when you are right, but you will never know which is right when you are happy doing wrong. Sometimes we need other people just to remind us what is right or wrong in order for us to realize what we are doing. 

This time, I choose to do the right thing.  Maybe, it's not right to continue living with something which is already wrong from the very beginning.  Maybe, it would be better this way. But if it hurts too much, how can it possibly be the right thing?

How i wish I'm not that stupid and weak.. so that I wouldn't have to go through this.. so that my family and friends, people who are so dear to me won't have to feel disappointed  and pity on me.. I hate this feeling.. I remember once mama told me this, " don't invest too much emotion 'coz u might get hurt".. I just brushed her off that time and I said, "Iknow!" I wish I listened to her.. maybe, it wouldn't be like this..

keep waiting..

Just this afternoon, I went to the recruitment center where I was hired a few months ago to follow-up my training start date. I'm already pissed off for keeping me waiting there for three hours, but then I don't have a choice but to wait. I hate it!.. that's what I'm doing for almost two months now, waiting..  After three hours of waiting there, I was finally able to spoke with one of the staff regarding my concern. Unfortunately, they still can't give a specific start date as of now. He said that I was one of the few trainees who were affected by the transition happened in their office regarding some beneficial policy with the trainees. And that the pool of trainees for this month was already full. He apologized to me in behalf of the company for what happened and how much hassle it has brought to me.  I feel so frustrated and angry at the same time because I will go home without getting the reason why I went there. I want to show him how angry I am, but of course I didn't do it, I know he has nothing to do with what happened, he's just following orders. It's as if I don't have a choice but to accept his apology. 

When I get home, burden covers me after hearing my mom's reaction. What now?... haaaay... I feel pressured with all the expenses needed of my other siblings especially this school year. I tried sending applications with other companies hoping that there might be other opportunity waiting for me but I haven't got any luck yet. I hate it, when things happened like this which is beyond my control. 

Again, I have to wait for their call.. haaaay..

decisions..

April 16, 2010
My last day working in LFI, I remember I was emotional that time, tears falling from my eyes while saying goodbye to my friends and colleagues. At the same time, I feel excited to work in my new career. When my application was accepted there, I was asked to render first my resignation immediately in order to process my employment. I'm done now with my medical and all the necessary requirements was passed. I even signed the contract as well proving that I am hired and part of the company. After that, I was hoping that I would start my training immediately in a few weeks, but for some reason that they didn't manage to explain to us, training schedule was postponed. Until now, I'm still waiting for a call from them for the training schedule.

I've been unemployed for almost two months now, haven't they realized how much hassle and stress they have cause this to me?.. At first, it's a good feeling to have a chance to get rest for quite some time, but for this long?.. it's too much!

Patience is a virtue, I know that.. but as I said this is too much for me, making me wait for this long. I'm starting to get worried now, knowing that there are people that depends on me. Being a bread winner in a family, I can't be unemployed for a long time. Daily expenses can't wait.

Did I made the right choice?.. Immediately resigning from my previous job considering that I am a regular employee there, in exchange to a more compensated and promising career ahead. But now,I end up nothing. I hope that this waiting would end soon and that they have something great for me.

sad truth..

How many sleepless nights will I have to survive?..

How many times will I be waking up in the middle of my sleep with thoughts of him?..

Reminiscing back old memories is non-sense.. Through this, I'm just letting the pain remain inside of me. But what can I do if this is just the only way I can be with him again even for a while?.. If this is just the only way I can be happy for some point?.. Even if this is far from reality now.

Am I hearing myself right?.. I know I sound stupid, I don't care, this is how I feel.. It doesn't matter..

It hurts to leave someone even if u want to stay because u just need to.. But what hurts most is the fact that, that person made u feel loved, made u believed he loved you, but the truth is he never really did. What sad about this is that despite of that you can't stop loving that person and hoping that he'll be back in your life again even though you know that is really impossible..

Decision has been made and I can never bring it back, I never will.. but if I will be given a chance to change things and make it happen my way, I'll do it. But I guess, I need a great miracle or magic just for it. So maybe, I have to accept that sometimes there's just no happy endings.

Sometimes, goodbye is necessary. That's the hardest thing to do because deep within you, you know you don't want to do it but you have to.

They say that we don't really move on, there's no such thing like moving on, we just get used to the pain.. that we don't mind at all the pain anymore. If that's the case, when will I be used to the pain, to what happened? How long will I be like this?..