Random Thoughts..

Do you ever feel so out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong. That sometimes you'd rather lock yourself up in your room and just listen to loud music. Sometimes, you wanna go somewhere far away from everyone you know, explore some place you haven't been to and try to figure things out on your own.

I get along well with everybody, it's just that sometimes I'm thinking that even if they hang out with me, laugh with me, talk with me.. does it mean they're really there for me? Even if they showed interest in your life, does it mean they're really after your story, they're really willing to listen, they'd just like to sympathize, or they're just there to have something to talk about. Not everybody around us is our friend. Sometimes, though you're hanging out with someone for quite some time, there's still an awkward or uncomfortable feeling like there is an invisible gap between you.

I don't know.. Am I just over analyzing things around me? Or am I just missing my old friends... my true friends! Those people I'm comfortable with, being with them with no pretensions and hesitations, and just be ME.

An Open Letter to my Ex-friend

To my ex-friend,

We've been friends since college. There was never a dull moment with you, you were fun to be with. We understand each other so well even before we speak our mind. You were there when I had my major heartbreak back then. You didn't offer any advice instead you let me enjoy and have fun even for a while, we went to movie dates together, we even went to amusement park and enjoy the whole day just like kids do.  You were always there to calm me down every time I cried because of some family matters, you know how it feels because you're also a breadwinner like me. We were that close, even before we started hanging out again with our other barkadas from college. You got your own house to the same subdivision where I got mine, making our families connected like us.

We started hanging out more often when you started dating that guy. It's your way of balancing your time to all of us. Eventually, we became friends with your boyfriend. We had a lot of bonding moments together, out of town trips, movie dates, chitchats, etc. Things between us were so perfect that I can't imagine my life without you as my friend.

It all changed when your guy started making a pass on me. At first, I tried to ignore it and kept it secret because I don't want to make a big deal out of it, thinking it was because of the alcohol as he usually do it when he's a little tipsy or drunk. And I was afraid, it will just make things worst and complicated if I let you know it, hurting you in the process. Maybe it wasn't meant to be kept secret, the day I've been scared about came. I will never forget that day, we had a little argument, asking me why I didn't tell you before, you're so devastated and confused because you didn't know what to do, you were ashamed of him of what he did to me, but then you don't wanna lose him. You said you were sorry and you didn't want to lose me either. I didn't give you the option to choose me instead of him, but when life gives you the option, boyfriend or a friend, I always thought you will choose the friend. You said you believed my side of story, but you were acting different after that, your actions betrays your words. You started prying at me, as if you were trying to get me caught flirting with your guy, without you knowing I knew it all the while. You made that call, that's how we end. We started to drift apart. You noticed how I slowly cut you out of my life, because I was truly hurt. You tried to reach out again, but I guess it all ends there. I'm sorry if I can't forget and forgive just like that although it's been over two years ago. I really, really missed you but then I can't let you in again in my life without me remembering what happened to us and hurting myself in the process.

Paper Towns

Paper Towns, a film adaptation of the 2008 novel by John Green. I've never read the book so I really had no idea when I watched the movie.

It's not the kind of a movie you'd like to watch over and over again, but certainly it will make you think about people... about life.

"Here's what's not beautiful about it: from here, you can't see the rust or cracked paint or whatever, but you can tell how fake it all is. It's not even hard enough to be made out of plastic. It's a paper town. I mean look at it, look at it all those cul-de-sacs, those streets that turn in in themselves, all the houses that were built to fall apart. All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail, and all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters."

The story tackles about friendship, young love, people and living your life to the fullest. It teaches us about how we see people, that sometimes people sees people just how they wanted to be or wanted to believed in. That sometimes, people are different than we actually think they are. That from a distance, you can't see the flaws of someone or of a society, that only when you look up closely you'll understand why and how. Just like the character of Margo, at first you'll think of her as an ordinary teenage girl who's adventurous, mysterious, kick-ass girl, or even an attention seeker because of what she does in her life. Truth is, she's just a girl filled with unhappiness and dissappointment of her life, to the point of she can't held any second to stay and just wanted to run away. An ordinary girl, and also a human being who happens to have made a real difference to Quentin's life, teaching him in a different way of living his life to the fullest, that there's more to life than just living in his comfort zone and being anxious most of the time.

I'm just tired..

I am tired not for the lack of sleep or rest.. I am exhausted, fatigued by life and despair.. I am so worn down by the world that nothing can refresh my mind from constant whining about how hard life is..

No one said LIFE would be easy.. but then I can't blame them either why are they behaving like that..

Was it my fault why we are living like this? Did I made the wrong decision to prioritize having our own house? What's the good of living the dream of having your own, when in return I just made their life more miserable than what it already is? At the end of the road, will any of these be worth it?

I don't know what to do now.. My head is aching and I think my chest will explode any moment from all the emotions I've kept inside. I want to burst in tears until it runs dry..

I am tired... and no matter how I sleep, there will be no enough hours of sleep for the type of rest I need now...

I'm not sure if I'm depressed or I'm just sad.. I'm not sad at all times, I can still smile and laugh during the day.. but I'm not happy either.. Sometimes I don't know how to feel especially during these moments..