Time Heals all Wounds

There is no actual time table on when you can move forward from whatever kind of emotional pain. The wound from a fractured friendship may also fall under this things that never leave you.

I have chosen to simply avoid them for a long time because it feels like it's easier to forget the pain and more comforting that time than seeing them everyday as if nothing happened. As time passed by, I have asked myself, "I should be better by now, right?" but then I always goes back to that same feeling of hurt. I came to the point of thinking that I would never ever get over from it and maybe I already lost the friendship we had.

It took me years before finally realizing that I am really over it, that I really missed them, that I can't just throw away our years of friendship just like that only because of that jerk, and that I can't let him win of this battle by loosing my friends in return. I am not proud of the wasted time I have let passed by, but maybe I just needed it for me to fully heal.

We've gone through something really hard and I am thankful to God that He didn't let me loose my friends and I still have them until today. Sometimes, we face this kind of pain that never leaves us, it's okay.. but's it up to us how we carry the load of pain, either we let it break us or proudly wear the scars while not letting it dominate us.

Random Thoughts... Again!...

We all build relationship with every person in our life, whether it is family, friends or a more intimate relationship with someone special. We are all different persons, no matter how close we are to each other or no matter how we try to adjust with one another, there will always come a time that we'll have arguments or misunderstandings. The point is, no matter how many times we argue, we should always be reminded that we should not let our differences separate us, we should not let it define our relationship with one another, that at the end of the day we'll always remember how important that person/people in our life and we still choose to treasure what we have with them.

Sad truth is, it's just easier said than done. It's not because of pride.. we all have reasons why, reasons that only ourselves can understand. Some people let their relationship just drift away when something went wrong. They chose to give up the relationship they have because they can't handle anymore the pain it is causing to them. Like a breaking point and just a snap of a finger they have forgotten all the good times they had.

They said that "the first one who apologize is the bravest, the first one who forgive is the strongest and the first one who move forward is the happiest". Definitely true!! But then, it is hard for those people who have love too much.. and was hurt too much. Or maybe it was just easier to those people who are naturally good and have a big heart. Wish I could be like them.. tsk.. tsk.. I used to resent people from my life just because I was hurt too much by them intentionally or unintentionally. I was filled with anger and resentment as I watched those people slowly drifting away from me. My heart couldn't handle such pain when people who I valued and looked up to disappoints me in any way. And I couldn't possibly believed that those people could actually hurt me.

Time flies so fast, that I felt like I was getting used to ignoring those people for quite some time. How will I know if I'm ready to face them again or if I already forgave them without me knowing it? And if by chance I am really ready, will there be a chance to save what was left from what we had before? Will there still be a space for me in their life thinking maybe they have been used to the life without me, since it was me who decided to be away from them. Too many questions.. too many silly thoughts.. whew!..

Random Thoughts..

Eversince I was a kid, I always have this unshakable desire to take away the sadness and bitterness in their heart. But, as I grow up I became so helpless whenever I look in their eyes, our whole life flashes in front of me.. that up to now I failed to do what I wanted for them.

During weekend and/or holidays when I should be spending time with my family, I chose not to go home. I couldn't stand the burden in my shoulders that it was too heavy to carry on. It was like their broken hearts had broken mine too.

I always walk away, say it being coward.. but it's the only thing I thought I could escape even for a while. But it seems like I really couldn't escape.. looking at other families I felt what was really missing in my life.

What's running in my head?..

Sometimes, it makes me think how uncomfortable and complicated it is to live in a society we are in today. No matter how we wanted to ignore the people around us, we can't deny the fact that the society we are living in keeps pushing the values and ideals onto us, what is acceptable and what is not. Though, it really up to us on how to live our life, it really affects us how we behave and live, it can even hold us back on what we want.

We are all victims of our own mind. We can be our best advocates or our worst enemy. If only we can make it pretty simple, just do whatever we want without having a thought of anything or anyone in mind.

I, myself is guilty of this. I usually overthink about everything. I have this unknown fear that keeps linger on me. Everyday, I am trying to live my life the way I wanted it to be and what makes me happy.

This is me..

Most of the time, I preferred being alone in my room just to read a book or write something. There are times that I hate hearing any noise and don't want anybody enter my room. This doesn't mean I am loner, I do go out with friends and I don't have a problem mingling with other people. I just love having myself quiet time, it is where I find peace and calmness in my heart. 

I hate the feeling that I have to please other people. I want to do what I want to do, I want to behave how I want to behave and just be myself without having to think if it's okay with them. If it's not okay with them or if they get mad, I don't care. 

I like being comfortable in everything I wear either going out or just at home. I don't like wearing something catchy because it makes me feel conscious about myself. Yes, I do have girly part of me too... I wear dress and polish my nails sometimes but most of time I preferred wearing jeans/shorts paired with a simple shirt. 

I get annoyed easily and tend to loose patience over things and people around me. I'm not used to staying quiet if I am mad. I know how to fight or speak for what I want or what I think is right. But despite of all this, I am still a crybaby even over simple things. 

I don't know how to forgive easily, and when I do.. I can't forget it all. When I get mad to someone, I can treat him/her like a stranger or like he/she doesn't exist anymore. I don't like being near again to those people again no matter what. 

I tend to overthink about everything and stress myself out.

I am a family-oriented person no matter how hard it is. I love my family despite of everything. I usually fight and speak for them when situation needed it. 

This is me.. I won't change for anybody, either you accept or ignore it. ^_^

Recap

I am trying to look back what happened to my year 2015. Did I played fair enough? Is there any significant memories? Hmmmm… okay, I’ll try to recap, recap, recap!...

First quarter of the year 2015 wasn't so good to me. Everything seems so wrong… I trusted and loved wrong people in my life. I was badly hurt and that I just can’t seem to move on from the realization that those people you've loved are really capable of hurting you intentionally or unintentionally. I came to the point that I really have to make an action, a very tough decision I never thought I could.

Second quarter was a struggle for me. Struggle because it’s the time of the year I was trying to stand by the decisions I have made. I walked away from people who have hurt me in any way. I walked away from places that caused me pain. Today, I was glad I was able to do it all.

Third quarter of the year, I was able to appreciate life more than what it was before. I was able to finally go out from my comfort zone. I learned to appreciate people who’s been there before but never noticed because I was too focused to other things and people I thought I have to keep. I learned to widen more the friendship than I usually have.

Last quarter of the year gave me the most unexpected twist of my life. Nevertheless, it gave me the reason to be strong and smile despite of everything.

Years have passed by but my family hasn't changed at all… it is as if it was always been on the rocks. It’s been so long that I can’t seem to pinpoint what’s the main reason of it all. I've became so tired and hopeless if it’s ever going to change at all.

Anyway, as we welcome the year 2016 I’d like to believe that whatever happened in the past, whatever decisions I have made, whatever pain I have gone through… is that they will all just leave in the past. Today, I don’t want to think anymore those “what ifs” and “should haves” because it will never change whatever I have right now. I’d like to think that my family will be able to forget all the pain, mistakes and hatred to each other as we say goodbye to year 2015 so we could all move on and face life.  Today, I don’t want to make a resolution list just to break them in the long run, instead I’ll try to live every day of my life with a smile on my face, try to keep strong and be extra careful in every actions I have to make as I have to be reminded of every lessons I've learned from the past.