spell STRESS !..

Shocks!.. Until when will I be financially broke??.. I have lots of obligations in my family and I don't know how will I budget my salary for all of that. Classes will start soon, and yet I haven't paid the tuition fee of my younger brother for this school year. Aside from that, bills are waiting for me. :(

I haven't recovered yet with all the medical expenses I made last month because of my severe cough and tonsillitis.

waaaahhhh .. so stress! I hate this feeling!.. These is one of the few moments in my life when I am being pissed off because I don't know what to do anymore.

It could be different. Maybe even a little easier for me if only.. haaaay ..

I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I feel so tired and hopeless being a breadwinner and all that but who am I to complain?.. I know it's wrong but I only feel it when I'm so stress. Some said, it wouldn't be hard if you're doing it out of love and not seeing it as an obligation. It's just so hard for me.

Anyway, this are just my thoughts. I always end up giving all I can do for them even if that means, putting aside my personal needs and wants.

for mama .. :(

I'm such a coward person. I'm sorry mama, if I have to spend my weekend in a friend's house. I just can't stand to see you cry every hour of the day. I can't face you and look straight to your eyes because I am afraid you'll see how much I am hurting inside too. I'm sorry because I can't do anything to ease the pain in your heart. If only a hug could cure it, I would hug you so tight. I'm sorry because I can't even show you my sympathy because I'm afraid you'll see me burst in tears just like you did. I'm sorry for all the pain they caused you, from kuya, then ate .. and now Gary. I can't blame you, it's like bringing all the pain from the past which you tried to forget for the past years. Like you said, it's like you've been betrayed for three times by your children with the same reasons. I know how frustrated you are and papa for what they did in their life, when all you wanted is for us to finish our studies and have a better life.

I am hurt and at the same time I am mad. I wanted to show them how angry I am with what they did but I can't. It's unfair! It's like I was left alone to carry all those responsibilities, when in the first place we should be helping each other, it could be much easier.. life could be much easier to us. I know they are still trying their best to help but it could be different if that's not the case. All this time, or shall I say since I was in high school my mind was set to finish my studies and do my best to help our family, for us to have a better life. And now, look what they did and what happened. Am I just the only one who's thinking about this?.. I'm not counting all I've done, I know it's not enough.. I'm not complaining either, it's just that I'm so hurt with all that happened. They don't know how much pressure they left me on my shoulder because of that. I'm so afraid... afraid of failure. I'm afraid to say word of promises because I'm afraid to give you both papa false hopes. I'm afraid that I may fail you just like they did.

For the third time around, I heard again those same words.. "tanggapin na lang, intindihin na lang kc nanjan na .. " but how many times we have to hear and accept that same dialog?.. Is it always just like that?.. that we don't have a choice but to accept everything?..

Mama, I'm so worried with how you accept things now that your in a state of depression. I hate to see you cry every now and then. I just hope and pray that things would go on and pass as fast as possible.. and that all the pain and anger we are feeling right now would go away soon.

it's a girly thing!.. :D

When I was still working in Let's Face It, I remember I usually have my weekly manicure and pedicure for free. It's because, the training center for the salon's attendants is just located in the 2nd floor of the office. Manicure and pedicure are just one of the few benefits of pampering yourself for free as an employee there. Nowadays, I usually had my pedicure done once or twice a month in a parlor nearby our home, this time I have to pay for it. But, I don't usually have my hands to be manicured, I just don't think it's practical because the nail polish on my hands gets damaged easily. So, what I did is just have my nails in my hands manicured all by myself, that way I won't have to pay over and over again if ever I needed a nail polish retouch.Yes, I can do it. :)

Today, my nails are colored by pink lilac nail polish. So love it !.. :D

I am not comfortable and confident enough about having a nail polish in my hands before especially those dark colors. Before, I'm just fine with natural colors and touch of tan nail polish. Now, I am starting to explore and try different colors in my hands as long as I am comfortable with it. My nail polish colors varies from touch of tan, touch of beige, platinum, silver, glittering silver, pink lilac and neon green. As of now, I haven't tried any different colors yet. :)