nonsense..

I don’t know if this is regret for what I have done years ago or just curious.. what if I’d given him another chance, what if I opened it all to him, what if I tried to know the truth first before I say it’s over, what if.. haaay.. so many “what if’s… what happen next after all that what if’ s?..

I know it’s nonsense to think about it again, it’s been years ago, I don’t why after all those years when I thought I’m done with him, then suddenly all thoughts of him, of what happened runs into my mind haunting me all over again… As I said, it’s nonsense and hopeless.. the last thing I know about him is that he’s already married, no not married because they’re just living together, I mean, he’s living with the girl because he got her pregnant. It’s absurd to think that when I first hear the news, his friend told me that he’s getting me as one of the “ninangs” of his child, although I never really think about it would happen.. but lucky for me, I never have to be in a an awkward situation with them because the girl had a miscarriage.

Anyway, maybe it’s all my fault why it all happened to us, because I never let him speak with me. I just left him hanging, wondering what happen to us, why the sudden change of my mind. I wasted all his efforts he’d done to win me back or even just simply talk to me, to clear things out. I’m a type of person that is afraid to show how I am feeling, afraid for everybody around me especially those people close to me that I am hurting, afraid that they will think how stupid I am or will they take pity on me, that’s why just because of rumors (rumors because up to now I never had a chance to know the truth, because of his stupid friends), I just let him go, I didn’t let him know how I am hurting the moment I heard it from his friends, I lied to him why I didn’t want him anymore… After that, it became impossible to me to make friends with him even if he asked for it. It took years for me to have a talk with him, but neither of our talks cleared things out of our past. Maybe I’m still afraid to know the truth, that I am wrong! Besides, it’s too late, our lives change, we have different paths now.. he has his family although he lost his child and I’m not sure If they were still together, I never want to know it either. I don’t want to engage myself in a complicated situations, my life is already complicated to add it.

I don’t know why I am still wasting my time thinking and writing about it, maybe this is just my way to let it out in me, because no one will understand me, no one knows what happened years ago.

Sometimes, even if I don't intend to think about him, he just slips in my mind, thinking, how is he, where is he?.. My mind tells me that I’m already over with him, we’re done and I agree with it long time ago.. but now, I'm not sure anymore, I'm confused...

And if ever we're given a chance to talk again, I don't think it's right to talk about it again..

All of this is nonsense.. :(