Trip Down Memory Lane

I saw a girl walked out from the house, she walked fast as she could, head and shoulder down so no one would notice the tears in her eyes. She don't know where else to go so she went to the church couple of blocks away.. hoping it was still open but was already closed upon arriving there, even the small chapel beside it. She went directly to the playground across the street and sat quietly on a swing in a cold dark night as the tears falls down. Thinking will it ever get better?.. Some girl came and asked if she was okay, and she softly answered "yeah, I'm okay". 

Years passed, same question runs through her mind. Does it ever get better?  

T I R E D

Have you ever felt so tired of everything that's happening around you? Because that's how I'm feeling lately.. at work, home, everything.. Have you ever felt like you're on the verge of crying any time or any moment? Because that's exactly me lately.. found myself crying at any time of the day. 

At work, I no longer push myself to do the things I used to do passionately. I'm tired.. Recently, I feel like I can't do it anymore.. like I am not capable of doing things.. like I am just doing what's being told and not beyond that anymore. I have lots of delays in all my tasks. I'm not sure anymore if it's because of my tasks are too overwhelming and can't do it within my bandwidth, or I am just tired, or I am just too lazy. 

At home, which I'm not sure if I can call it "home".. I'm too tired and lazy to clean my room. I feel like I wanna go somewhere else, away from home, away from them. I wanted to escape away from here. 🥺

Debt of Gratitude

"Utang na Loob" or "Debt of Gratitude", a Filipino cultural trait that sometimes becoming irrational and burden emotionally.

Don't get me wrong.. Yes, I will be forever grateful to my father to whatever I am now.. I owe to him why I graduated from college. Yes, I intend to take care of them and provide their needs especially when they grow old, I intend to do it all with all my heart because I love them, but not because of an endless obligation or unlimited debt that I have to repay.

I may sound ingrate about this.. but isn't it everything a parent have provided for their children no matter how hard it takes, is just they supposed to provide as a parent? Because if not, they should not have children in the first place. And isn't it irrational for a
parent to demand from his children to repay for everything they have provided? Parents chooses to have children, which tied with an obligation since children especially the young ones does not have the capacity to live for their own. However, we, children, didn't get to choose parents, it's not our decision to make. Why then should we be accountable for what has life brought to them? Why then should we be held in debt for choices we didn't make?

Do I have to endure his endless whims, his demands and all his insecurities in life? It hurts so much when he slapped through my face everything he provided for me. And for everything that I have done for him and to our family was nothing to him, because for him I am just supposed to do it all and is not enough to repay all his hardships. Isn't it unfair when everything I have done ever since is to please him and yet all of it is nothing to him. When since I was young, all I have in mind is to give them a better life.. How much more shall I give or do for him, for me to be worthy in his eyes?..

The Breadwinner

Being the breadwinner of the family is not a choice. It just happens. Taking over the responsibility since I graduated from college has never been easy for me. My parents and siblings would always come to me to clear all the utility bills and all other expenses of the family.

Deep down inside of me, I have this feeling of satisfaction that slowly I'm bringing out my family out of financial crisis that we were facing since we were young, that finally we were able to experience the little luxuries of life, that we are no longer to worry of not having a food on the table.

However, over the years it didn't occured to me the weight of being the sole provider of the family until my other siblings had their own family one by one unexpectedly and as I watched my parents grow old and still taking care of their grandchildrens.

I am the middle child of the family. I'm not supposed to shoulder all the weight of responsibilities and burdens alone. If only they have been wiser living their life, it would be much easier. Lately, I feel so tired for being the breadwinner for the last 11 years of my life, and despite of all these resentful feelings, I don't wanna stop... knowing my parents have no one else to turn to except me.

As my parents grow old, they started to be more stubborn each and every day. Worst thing is, they became more and more unsatisfied with what I'm able to give. Leaving me feeling like unappreciated and not good enough despite of trying my absolute best, it sucks right?!

Is this normal? or am I being too emotional again?..

Dear Blogger..

Hi!. It's been a while.. I missed you.. I'm sorry for all the days and months that I neglected to write and speak my mind to you... I'm not going to reason out for not writing for so long.. I am just sorry..

When I started blogging I think that was 8 years ago.. I felt the need to communicate to the world what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking about things, what I'm doing, where I've been, what I think about the last book I have read or the movie I have watched.. the need to voice out whatever in my mind.. the time when I thought I have no one else to turn to but you. No pretensions, just being me.

Blogging has been my comfort zone for releasing all my thoughts and feelings.. which I think still do. Today, I wanted to give it a try again.. back to writing.. back to blogging.. Hope to be back on soon..

Time Heals all Wounds

There is no actual time table on when you can move forward from whatever kind of emotional pain. The wound from a fractured friendship may also fall under this things that never leave you.

I have chosen to simply avoid them for a long time because it feels like it's easier to forget the pain and more comforting that time than seeing them everyday as if nothing happened. As time passed by, I have asked myself, "I should be better by now, right?" but then I always goes back to that same feeling of hurt. I came to the point of thinking that I would never ever get over from it and maybe I already lost the friendship we had.

It took me years before finally realizing that I am really over it, that I really missed them, that I can't just throw away our years of friendship just like that only because of that jerk, and that I can't let him win of this battle by loosing my friends in return. I am not proud of the wasted time I have let passed by, but maybe I just needed it for me to fully heal.

We've gone through something really hard and I am thankful to God that He didn't let me loose my friends and I still have them until today. Sometimes, we face this kind of pain that never leaves us, it's okay.. but's it up to us how we carry the load of pain, either we let it break us or proudly wear the scars while not letting it dominate us.

Random Thoughts... Again!...

We all build relationship with every person in our life, whether it is family, friends or a more intimate relationship with someone special. We are all different persons, no matter how close we are to each other or no matter how we try to adjust with one another, there will always come a time that we'll have arguments or misunderstandings. The point is, no matter how many times we argue, we should always be reminded that we should not let our differences separate us, we should not let it define our relationship with one another, that at the end of the day we'll always remember how important that person/people in our life and we still choose to treasure what we have with them.

Sad truth is, it's just easier said than done. It's not because of pride.. we all have reasons why, reasons that only ourselves can understand. Some people let their relationship just drift away when something went wrong. They chose to give up the relationship they have because they can't handle anymore the pain it is causing to them. Like a breaking point and just a snap of a finger they have forgotten all the good times they had.

They said that "the first one who apologize is the bravest, the first one who forgive is the strongest and the first one who move forward is the happiest". Definitely true!! But then, it is hard for those people who have love too much.. and was hurt too much. Or maybe it was just easier to those people who are naturally good and have a big heart. Wish I could be like them.. tsk.. tsk.. I used to resent people from my life just because I was hurt too much by them intentionally or unintentionally. I was filled with anger and resentment as I watched those people slowly drifting away from me. My heart couldn't handle such pain when people who I valued and looked up to disappoints me in any way. And I couldn't possibly believed that those people could actually hurt me.

Time flies so fast, that I felt like I was getting used to ignoring those people for quite some time. How will I know if I'm ready to face them again or if I already forgave them without me knowing it? And if by chance I am really ready, will there be a chance to save what was left from what we had before? Will there still be a space for me in their life thinking maybe they have been used to the life without me, since it was me who decided to be away from them. Too many questions.. too many silly thoughts.. whew!..